You contain me in a thickened
glass jar.
I remember, once a maniac
poured my savage drops
over a chrysanthemum,
and observed its torment with glee.
He applied me even on his rice bowl,
noted the time taken
for ashes to form.
Then he tried tasting me
I savored his innards, instead.
Still I’m hungry
ready to scorch your softness, sweetheart,
and burn it yellow.
Had I been the brimming rain clouds
one third of this silly earth
would have got roasted;
two thirds of it would have been
oceans of me.
Strong Water - I mean Aqua fortis
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Brotherfergus
- Productive Poster
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- Joined: Mon Oct 08, 2007 9:42 am
The tone seems almost seething, I really enjoyed it. The narrator appears to holds a quenching contempt for his subjects which also comes across very well. There are a few things I could suggest though;
Cut the title to simply 'Aqua Fortis' it creates intrigue, I immediately searched its translation and have spent the last twenty minutes learning of its nature. The title demands an interaction form a reader and that means they already have an involvement before even reading it.
"one third of this silly earth
would have got roasted;"
The language in these lines seems a little out of place to the rest of the piece. I didn't particularly like 'silly' and the following line sounds a little like something a batman villain might say.
"two thirds of it would have been
oceans of me."
I agree it would be beneficial to have a closing phrase but I don't think this is the one. Or, re word it and don't use the word 'me' perhaps, it sounds to dainty compared to the weight of the rest of the poem.
Overall I thought it was great, nice one!
Cut the title to simply 'Aqua Fortis' it creates intrigue, I immediately searched its translation and have spent the last twenty minutes learning of its nature. The title demands an interaction form a reader and that means they already have an involvement before even reading it.
"one third of this silly earth
would have got roasted;"
The language in these lines seems a little out of place to the rest of the piece. I didn't particularly like 'silly' and the following line sounds a little like something a batman villain might say.
"two thirds of it would have been
oceans of me."
I agree it would be beneficial to have a closing phrase but I don't think this is the one. Or, re word it and don't use the word 'me' perhaps, it sounds to dainty compared to the weight of the rest of the poem.
Overall I thought it was great, nice one!
"The poet becomes a seer through a long, immense, and reasoned derangement of all the senses." - Arthur Rimbaud
Aqua fortis - the alchemist's solvent. Good ideas here, but I think you should end the poem with the line -
I savored his innards, instead. - This is the high point of the poem and what comes after fades in comparison. Lose what follows this gem of a line and you have a really good poem.
Barrie
I savored his innards, instead. - This is the high point of the poem and what comes after fades in comparison. Lose what follows this gem of a line and you have a really good poem.
Barrie
After letting go of branches and walking through the ape gait, we managed to grasp what hands were really for......
I'm in agreement with Barrie here. The climax of the poem seems definitely to come at:
'I savored his innards, instead.'
If you get rid of everything after this, I find this poem hard to fault. Lovely theme, well written with the perfect sinister (?) feel.
Nice work.
'I savored his innards, instead.'
If you get rid of everything after this, I find this poem hard to fault. Lovely theme, well written with the perfect sinister (?) feel.
Nice work.
Hey,
Just wanted to echo what has been said really. Nice read and great subject.
Whilst I did like the bitterness of the 'sweeteart' line, I am inclined to agree with the suggestion of cropping it at 'instead'.
good work.
Tom
Just wanted to echo what has been said really. Nice read and great subject.
Whilst I did like the bitterness of the 'sweeteart' line, I am inclined to agree with the suggestion of cropping it at 'instead'.
good work.
Tom
meh and bah are wonderful words
I shall 4th ending the poem at "instead".
There is a technical issue or three, but I think this should go through a more organic touch up first, like reconsidering what you're saying and how it's being said. THAT being said, I think you've got a good one here, it's just slightly out of focus (to borrow the phrase).
I'll be back with particulars after I've run it through my head a few times. I haven't done a decent crit in ages and I'm rusty. But I like the essence of the poem, I must say.
There is a technical issue or three, but I think this should go through a more organic touch up first, like reconsidering what you're saying and how it's being said. THAT being said, I think you've got a good one here, it's just slightly out of focus (to borrow the phrase).
I'll be back with particulars after I've run it through my head a few times. I haven't done a decent crit in ages and I'm rusty. But I like the essence of the poem, I must say.
I agree with Barrie, others about ending on 'instead'. I just think it sums up the piece better and it doesnt prolong the poem with the last three stanzas that read a little flat and non-sensical.
Some very good stuff in the piece, excellent in fact:
I remember, once a maniac
poured my savage drops
over a chrysanthemum- Lovely obscure, seething tone throughout. Contempt is obviously rife here
Very good again Aru, again you have super consistency atm
dl04.
Some very good stuff in the piece, excellent in fact:
I remember, once a maniac
poured my savage drops
over a chrysanthemum- Lovely obscure, seething tone throughout. Contempt is obviously rife here
Very good again Aru, again you have super consistency atm
dl04.
' Everybody's saying that hell's the hippest way to go, well i dont think so but i'm gonna take a look around'
-Joni Mitchell
-Joni Mitchell
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Gene van Troyer
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Just "Aqua Fortis" for the title, as suggested above. I agree with ending on "I savored his innards, instead." The lines following this are anticlimactic.
Even so, this had a lot of punch.
Even so, this had a lot of punch.
"If you don't like my principles, I have others." —Groucho Marx
Just coming back to this as promised.
Some of the writing should probably be looked at again. Some of the phrasing is coming off as a little puerile. Then there's the punctuation. I won't go after the phrasing, but here's me messing with that punctuation:
You contain me in a thickened
glass jar.
I remember once, a maniac
poured my savage drops
over a chrysanthemum
and observed its torment with glee.
He applied me even on his rice bowl,
noted the time taken
for ashes to form.
Then he tried tasting me.
I savored his innards instead.
Anyway, good luck.
Some of the writing should probably be looked at again. Some of the phrasing is coming off as a little puerile. Then there's the punctuation. I won't go after the phrasing, but here's me messing with that punctuation:
You contain me in a thickened
glass jar.
I remember once, a maniac
poured my savage drops
over a chrysanthemum
and observed its torment with glee.
He applied me even on his rice bowl,
noted the time taken
for ashes to form.
Then he tried tasting me.
I savored his innards instead.
Anyway, good luck.