Ice and Fire

[Fenris]

Cold sunset scorches
the western sky,
turns leafless branches
into flaming embers,
as the world spins into night
and the solar wind dies.

Auroras dance now
with electric fire,
tearing open cold voids
beneath a long dead moon,
immolating phantoms
by Earth's funeral pyre.

[dl04]

Very wordy if truth be told, i felt some of the images were well-intended but a tad laboured. Mewtaphors and adjectives to the excess. I would cut the last two lines for a start, i just think they're a tad flat and doesnt really add any zezt to the piece.

I like the concept of Aurora (isnt she the Goddess of the Dawn?), but i feel it's skimmed over very quickly. I actually think the themme of Aurora is more interesting than that of the earth declining. It's all been done, but i feel incorporating the Goddess-esque quality would give it a more innovative twist.

Try and simplify the images and i do like the Aurora imagery so i feel you can go places with that.

Keep working on this

dl04.

[TDF]

Hey Fenris,

A nice and clear vision here of what you wanted, although I am inclined to agree with dl04 about the wordiness.

some thoughts:

turns leafless branches
into flaming embers, - enjoyed this image.

and the solar wind dies.
Auroras dance now - small scientific nitpick: The solar winds cause the Aroras, so they don't die, instead they become visible and somehow tangible. Maybe that might make a nicer image/concept?


tearing open cold voids - don't like repeat of cold (used in opener).

beneath a long dead moon, - didn't understand the point of the moon being dead, it isn't like something in the poem thinks it is still alive, therefore why does it being dead need to be said?

immolating phantoms - lovely phrase.

my 2c
TDF