A Self Silence

[MikeSamford]

Oh! Have you heard a stone's grief?
An inward pity shrieked in vain.
It resonates beyond belief
like a rose's scream under winter’s strain
or crumbling of spirit by parting’s pain.

Echoes of longing for inner peace
the hum of want and wonder why.
A ringing in ear that will never cease
from a shrill of passion's passing sigh;
silent as stones when they cry.

[Richard WH]

I like this.
Wasn't sure about the O! at the start and then having read it a couple of times think the line needs it. Would prefer Oh myself.
love the line "like a rose's scream under winter's strain" with it being linked to vain. Always thought roses were slightly overrated flowers myself.
For the last line I think it would read better if it were
loud as stones when they start to cry

[arunansu]

Personally I did not like the rhyming of 'relief' with 'grief', 'pain' with 'strain' etc. The rest of the work is really very nice. I admire your thoughts too. I love the lines:
"Echoes of longing for inner peace
the hum of want and wonder why." And oh! It sounds better as Oh! and not O!
Smiles.

[Elphin]

Welcome on board Mike.

I think you have made good use of rhyme and sustained the image of the stones cry well. a rose's scream under winter’s strain is an interesting image, personally I visualise roses sighing rather than screaming - they don't fight the inevitability of their withering so do they scream?

I think you need to make the second stanza clearer. Its partly punctuation, I think.

Ringing in ears that never cease - its not the ears that never cease so should it be ceases? Do you need an article before shrill? Is the ringing caused by the shrill. I think you may have manipulated the sense of this stanza to get the rhymes.

The last line is missing a beat.

I hope you post some more

elphin

[Merlin]

Yeah - like this, I think the rhyme is great - it flows nicely - good poem...

Agree with E, the last line needs another beat...

[MikeSamford]

Thank you all –very good suggestions; I will do some revision. You all have been a great help and THANK YOU!!

[kozmikdave]

Gidday

The rhyme scheme worked for me too.

The thing that struck me, and not picked up by others so far, is in the first stanza:

Oh! Have you heard a stone's grief?
An inward pity shrieked in vain.
It resonate beyond belief,
like a rose's scream under winter’s strain
or crumbling of spirit by parting’s pain.

On first read, and in keeping with the current punctuation, it should be "resonates", but on further readings, I want to interpret it as (Have you heard) it resonate....

This would mean changing the punctuation faily drastically, to tun it into a list.

Nice...

[MikeSamford]

Thanks Dave, I will attend to the repairs.

[Dublin]

I liked this piece, Mike. It has a neat structure and good rhymes too. They actually all sound well and not forced; I find, they work well together.
Above that, I especially like the parting’s pain. and the passion's passing sigh, very beautiful use of language. I can't say much about the content and message but I do think that it's a good poem.

[MikeSamford]

Thank you very much, Dublin.