Lollipop man

[wabbit]

I have copied what I feel is my final version to the top of the page

He looks back...
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he’s alone
Like a rabbit caught in headlights
A tragic cliché, but true.
No! Go!... Have to... Somewhere
Run! Rabbit… run!
Run? - Run where?
Griffin is much bigger rabbit… Go!
Go where? There is nowhere!
But he runs, takes flight
Terror, humiliation, feed the debasement.
He’s fleet of foot but
Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.
No! Please, can’t... can’t catch
Running… fleeing, scared lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit!
Heart pounding, distressed and ashamed.
Lollipop man and safe sanctuary
Nemesis is thwarted.
He's safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.
Griffin eyes rabbit with a wry smile,
Next time, rabbit ... next time.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
1st attempt:

He looks back...
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he's isolate.
Alone, afraid, rooted to the spot,
Like a rabbit caught in headlights,
A tragic cliché ... but true.
Everything is slow-motion,
No! Go! ...Have to ...Somewhere...
Run, rabbit… run.
Run? - Run where?
Griffin is coming rabbit, you need to go.
Go? - Go where ... There ... There is nowhere!
But he runs, oh yes he's running now.
Blind terror and humiliation, mixed with tears.
Running, sobbing, gasping for breath,
Fleet of foot, but...
Griffin is on wheels, gaining ground,
Terrifying panic ascends.
A wraiths cold hand rasps his insides.
No! Can’t ... can’t, catch,
Running, scared and lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit.
Running, fast as he can,
Heart pounding.
No thoughts, just flight.
Lollipop man, safe sanctuary.
Tears streaming, sobbing, shamed… so ashamed.
Griffin's... after... me... gasping between sobs.
Nemesis dares not attack,
Safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.
Griffin looks at rabbit with wry smile,
Next time, rabbit ... next time.

[David]

Rabbit, pursued by griffin, finds refuge with lollipop man. No-one can say it's not original.

It reads a bit like a first draft of something, but it's something interesting.

Cheers

David

[TDF]

I have to agree with David on the structure. It does seem a bit unfocused. It reflects the paniced mindset of the 'rabbit' quite well, but I think it could be refined to say and reflect the same, but in less words.

It is actually quite a dark poem and I like the style in that respect, but it isn't clear just quite how dark. Does he just run from a bully, or from a paedophile teacher?... I'm a big fan of ambiguity, but I feel this poem could hit harder, or perhaps clearer if it was focused some more.

But, yes, interesting read indeed.

Tom

[wabbit]

Thanks for your comments guys. I was a bit worried about this one, as its the 1st new thing ive written in 12 years. The other stuff Ive posted was written back in 1996. Also its me 1st non-rhyme, so just the fact that you find it interesting is great.

David - I sketched it out yesterday (although its been in my head for years) worked on it a bit more today and then decided to post it as wasnt sure if it was any good as a non-rhyme. Have more confidence to work on it a bit more after both your comments, thanks.

TDF - Im glad youre getting the panicked mindset of rabbit. Although I worked on it a bit I find it difficult to transpose the actual feelings into words. Its dark but not as dark as your second suggestion, he runs from a bully.

Ok ..Now I know its not total twaddle. I'll take on board your comments and get to work fine tuning and focusing it a bit more, and see what I come up with.

Cheers
W

[wabbit]

Ok Ive cut it down a bit, see what you think

He looks back...
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he's isolate …Frozen,
A rabbit caught in headlights.
No! Go! ...Have to ...Somewhere...
Run! Rabbit… run!
Run? - Run where?
Griffin is … much bigger, rabbit …Go!
Go where? ... There ... There is nowhere!
But he runs - Takes flight.
Blind terror and humiliation;
Feed the debasement, yet again.
He’s fleet of foot, but...
Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.
No! Please, can’t ... can’t, catch,
Running …fleeing … the scared, lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit!
Heart pounding,
Distressed and ashamed.
Lollipop man and safe sanctuary.
His nemesis is thwarted.
He’s safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.
Griffin eyes rabbit with a wry smile,
Next time, rabbit ... next time.

[camus]

"Rabbit, pursued by griffin, finds refuge with lollipop man. No-one can say it's not original."

Erm - Alice in Wonderland anyone?

[Richard WH]

Ok Ive cut it down a bit, see what you think

He looks back...
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he's isolate …Frozen,
A rabbit caught in headlights.
No! Go! ...Have to ...Somewhere...
Run! Rabbit… run!
Run? - Run where?
Griffin is … much bigger, rabbit …Go!
Go where? ... There ... There is nowhere!
But he runs - Takes flight.
Blind terror and humiliation;
Feed the debasement, yet again.
He’s fleet of foot, but...
Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.
No! Please, can’t ... can’t, catch,
Running …fleeing … the scared, lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit!
Heart pounding,
Distressed and ashamed.
Lollipop man and safe sanctuary.
His nemesis is thwarted.
He’s safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.
Griffin eyes rabbit with a wry smile,
Next time, rabbit ... next time.

okey dokey
I like this one; about time you started writing again if you can come up with stuff like this....
The panic is obvious in the way he's written. I can imagine his head spinning

Below are a few minor comments:

Four words and he's isolate …Frozen,
A rabbit caught in headlights.

I preferred rabbit caught in headlights with the cliche but true statement afterwards; because it is a cliche and to me only works if you acknowledge that.
I'm also not that keen on the word isolate and think the line would read better as
Four words and he's frozen
or even better:
Four words....frozen
I think this increases the effect of the alliteration (?) and speeds that part up

Griffin is … much bigger, rabbit …Go!
Go where? ... There ... There is nowhere![/i]
But he runs - Takes flight.

I would prefer
Griffin is much bigger rabbiit...Go!
Go where? There is nowhere!
(again I think this speeds it up)

He’s fleet of foot, but...
Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.

I would take out the dots after but and speed that up too. I think the dots slow it down

No! Please, can’t ... can’t, catch,
Running …fleeing … the scared, lonely rabbit.

I would take out comma after second catch and take out dots and commas on line below:
No! Please, can't...can't catch
Running, fleeing, scared lonely rabbit

Sorry if I'm being picky. I've taken the time because I like it. But I think it could be speeded up even more and looking at overuse of commas and perhaps dots/full stops could help too. I wouldnt put a comma at the end of a line, just start a new line with a capital letter if need be.
Look forward to seeing any other new stuff you may write. This is original and fresh

[wabbit]

Hey Richard

Thanks for taking the time to make so many good comments.

I agree with the cliche line, wasnt sure about taking that out anyway.

Not sure about Isolate maybe Ill find another word or way of writing it. Want to convey that with his friends saying "Hes not after us" they have isolated rabbit, he's on his own. Frozen comes later as rabbits brain goes into meltdown trying to decide in a spit second what to do. Maybe a simple "four words and he's alone" works better.

Agree with the dots removal as I think i've overdone it with those.

Ill go through them later and make changes, will see if I get any futher advice first.

Thanks again
W

[wabbit]

OK I think this is it, the final cut, additional constructive critisism is of course most welcome.

He looks back...
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he’s alone
Like a rabbit caught in headlights
A tragic cliché, but true.
No! Go! ...Have to ...Somewhere
Run! Rabbit… run!
Run? - Run where?
Griffin is much bigger rabbit …Go!
Go where? There is nowhere!
But he runs, takes flight
Terror, humiliation, feed the debasement.
He’s fleet of foot but
Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.
No! Please, can’t ...can’t catch
Running …fleeing, scared lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit!
Heart pounding, distressed and ashamed.
Lollipop man and safe sanctuary
Nemesis is thwarted.
He's safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.
Griffin eyes rabbit with a wry smile,
Next time, rabbit ... next time.

[arunansu]

Dear W,

Your revisions are surely better. But I prefer to remove the ellipsis.My take on this :-

He looks back.
Quick! Griffin is coming.
"He's not after us", they shrug, two friends?
Four words and he’s alone
Like a rabbit caught in headlights
A tragic cliché, but true.
Have to run somewhere!
Run! Rabbit. Run!
Where?
There is nowhere!

Griffin’s cycle is gaining ground.
No! Please, can’t - can’t catch
fleeing, scared lonely rabbit.
The lollipop man! The lollipop man!
Run there rabbit!
Heart pounding, distressed and ashamed.
Lollipop man and safe sanctuary
Nemesis is thwarted.
He's safe in the shadow of the lollipop man.

Griffin eyes rabbit with a wry smile.

[wabbit]

arunansu - I thank you for your suggestion, It is much more concise.

However for me it has lost the confusion and panic that rabbit feels after being left alone by his friends. Also the humiliation that he has to run again because he's too scared to stand up for himself. I think I manage to get a bit of that, although hopefully as I improve in my writing I may become better able to describe feelings such as this.

Thanks again for taking the trouble to comment.

I have copied what I feel is my final version to the top of the page (saw someone else do this and thought it was a good idea)

Cheers
W