Wants( edited )

[arunansu]

Edited :-

One homeless brown mongrel
scratching his mangy skin
cavorts beside a food-stall
in summer’s shade.
Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers. Seldom he complains.
A slim gentleman gives him
a biscuit everyday, for brushing
his forehead against oily trousers.
A pot-belied man who smells
of turkey, throws bit of a muffin
for licking large-sized gaiters.

Yesterday morn, a heavy boot
toyed with his ears. He brushed
against the heels, but gained
a massive thump. Further attempts
fetched recurring blows, and laughter.





Original:-

One homeless brown mongrel
scratches his mangy skin
at times, cavorting beside
a food-stall, in summer’s shade.

Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers. Seldom he complains.

A slim gentleman gives him a biscuit
everyday. Only for brushing forehead
against oily trousers.

The pot belied man who smells of
turkey, obliges with a part of a muffin.
That comes simply, just for a lick
of his large-sized gaiters.

Yesterday morn, a heavy boot toyed
with his ears. He brushed his head
against the heels, but gained
a massive thump.

Repeated attempts fetched
recurring blows, and laughter.

[TDF]

hey aru,

Simple, vivid poem this one. Not trying to be anything clever, I like that. Reflects the character nicely I think. Although the structure and language makes the whole thing read rather like pros to me. I think it could be tuned slightly to give it a little more punch and increase the poeticness of it.

for example maybe:

a homeless brown mongrel, scratching
his mangy skin as he cavorts
beside a food-stall,
in summer’s shade.

Repeated attempts fetched
recurring blows, and laughter. - I like the ending, but think it could be a bit meaner, a touch more blunt, to really give the ending some kick.

not the best crit in the world, but hope you can get something from it.
Tom

[wabbit]

Like this and the picture it creates

Days slip away on mercy
of leftovers

Nice

Cheers
W

[ladyteazle]

I really liked the simplicity of this, but must take issue with "Seldom he complains". It has a slightly archaic sounding syntax which is not in keeping with the rest of the poem... He seldom complains?

I think it ends a little abruptly; perhaps there needs to be a final twist of understated horror.

[arunansu]

I thank all of you and present the edited version. Still thinking about the ending.
Cheers.