Fallen Phenoix (Working title for having a titles sake)

[Brotherfergus]

I'm afraid this is a bit of a throw away one but I've been busy recently so I may as well post something.
As always would be great to hear what you all think.


His room,
with view of garden,
lays still against
the humble creak
of his chair
that echoes down the hallway
to the crowd
of none who care.

So freely had he taken flight
in search
of the age of Eden.
He shrugged off the world
with a glance
(with the mind of a child)
and set himself
ablaze.

But these revelries
in Dionysian society
wore his veins thin.

And now
the echoes fade
and his sunken eyes
dot wildly across
the nurse who feeds
his pain.

[David]

So far as I can tell, someone's fetched up in an old folks' home. If I've got that right, you convey that impression indirectly but very clearly. Of course the phoenix has to be resurrected, which you have to bring in in some way, so I'll be interested to see how you manage that.

(The trouble with calling it "Fallen phoenix" is that it sounds as though he's been brought down in flight, but that's not what happens to phoenixes. Phoenices? Phoenicians? I dunno.)

The phrasing is a bit clumsy in places, e.g. the crowd / of none who care, but that can be tweaked. I'll look forward to seeing a reworking of this.

Cheers

David

[ray miller]

It grows on you after a few reads to the extent that I found myself caring about the fate of this chap. I agree with David that " of none who care" has a clumsiness to it . Also(with the mind of a child)doesn't really add much and I feel it could do without.
A humble creak is an interesting description, though I'm not sure what it means, it has a Dickensian ring to it. I also wonder in what sense the nurse is meant to be feeding his pain?
The whole is evocative of a certain type of person and place and no doubt you'll be able to improve it with some rearranging. You might wish to rearrange the word phenoix itself?! Best Wishes, Ray

[ladyteazle]

I just wondered if the rhyme in the first stanza was deliberate and if so, why it disappeared in the rest of the poem.
I also wondered if the nurse could 'quench' rather than 'feed' his pain...?