alarm clock earth

[coleridge]

hjhjh.

[arunansu]

Nice one. But couldn't get "electric reflection". I feel personally that the piece will work better without L4 & L5. What do you feel?
Smiles.

[barrie]

I found the opening a little entangled - The solar and lunar rays, striking sun and moon bells on top of alarm clock earth - I know what you have in mind, but the image doesn't hold up logically for me. One of the reasons is that 'lunar rays' are reflected solar rays, so the entwining of the two, just left the image a little flat. I would say you need a stronger start - but that's just me, others may not have the same problem.

I think the sound of money being counted will always drown out the Earth's alarm bells.

Barrie

[coleridge]

hello harrie when did logic ever matter and who cares? honestly

[barrie]

I'm just giving you my opinion on the opening image and why it didn't work for me - If no-one cares then it doesn't matter.

[dl04]

A bit too layered for me if i'm honest, i'd prefer it if some of the images were stripped down. For example:

my electric reflection is amplified,
my image is cast across a lake- i would put a connective and after amplified as i dont feel these lines link very well at the moment. It's a tad hard to read. I dont really like the word amplified either, takes it to beyond electronic and into something robotic for me

Generally it seems a bit unconnected, and it's a shame because you have a really good idea here, but i feel the structure and lack of real rythm has underminded it. I would try and split this into two stanzas if at all possible, but this is probably just my own personal preference to like poems with a stanzad approach.

I think some of the imagery is a bit contrived at times, and it's not quite bursting through. I feel more personalized language could do this.

Keep working on this

dl04.