Miami View

[dl04]

The motorbike came by yesterday
and left her after two hours,
adding to the silence
on her wasted Texan plaine.

Tv crackles in failing bedroom light,
bills tossed on fire seeking warmth
concealing scorching reality
with a single prod of her poker.

She wishes her garden had a Miami view
with dolphins carrying palm trees
that would bring exotic renewal,
to drab washing lines.

Doplhins that could take her feet into sea
and surf away the stains
of ironed ambition,
that always burn right through.

[coleridge]

this if i am going to be honest is boring and pedestrian-i would certainly not call it poetry-reflects a rather ordinary imagination and average talent.-sorry keep trying.

[stuartryder]

I wouldn't say it's *that* bad... there is a nice balance to the antithesis between verses 1/2 and 3/4 for starters. I also think that verse 1 has a great cadence to it. I like the nostalgia and melancholy it evoked and I don't think it suggests a problem with your imagination or talent.

Verse 3 is probably the best - those palm-carrying dolphins and drab washing lines are full of watery eyes and swishing fronds but there is a stark contrast between the origins of the two images.

Perhaps there could be more going on in it, more action, but you don't always want that in a poem. I know someone who just went to Miami and I can imagine them enjoying this. In fact, I'll send them the link

Cheers

Stuart

[ladyteazle]

I rather liked this, but I think that you sometimes over-egg the pudding to get your point across. I think the poem needs whitling down some.

"The motorbike came by yesterday
and left her after two hours,
adding to the silence
on her wasted Texan plaine." I would change to -

"adding to silence
on the Texan plane" (sp?)

"Tv crackles in failing bedroom light,
bills tossed on fire seeking warmth
concealing scorching reality
with a single prod of her poker." Try to make this sound a little more natural...

The TV crackles in the failing bedroom light
as bills are tossed onto the fire...
reality is concealed
with a single prod of the poker

"She wishes her garden had a Miami view
with dolphins carrying palm trees
that would bring exotic renewal,
to drab washing lines." I like this, but not sure about the dolphis carrying palm trees

"Doplhins that could take her feet into sea
and surf away the stains
of ironed ambition,
that always burn right through."

hmmm...

They could take her to the sea:
surf away stains
iron out ambition
burn right through

Less is more? See what you think.

Good luck,

LadyT x

[barrie]

I agree with ladyt about changing V2, but I'd leave the rest as it is, apart from 'plaine' in V1 - drop the 'e', Shakespeare.
I quite like the dolphins carrying palm trees bit.

nice one

Barrie

Don't pay any attention to the 'crit' by coleridge, it's just his childish footstamping because you didn't heap praises upon him when you replied to his post.

[David]

That must be a Texan plain, I think - some sort of trailer park existence?

The sentence construction seems to go a bit haywire in S2 - I know sometimes people think proper sentence construction is a terribly bourgeois hang-up, but I don't - perhaps because I'm just terribly bourgeois. (To be honest, you do have a verb in there, but you seem to be missing an article or two.)

I do like the overall construction of the poem, though, and the opposition you set up between where she is and where she'd like to be, and you make Miami seem a suitably dreamlike object of desire.

So, I'd say, this is worth keeping - with a bit of tinkering.

Cheers

David

P.S. I see I agree with Barrie - pay coleridge no mind - he's just been led away, frothing quietly at the mouth.

[Elphin]

dl

I like the surreal images of the dophins and the palm trees but not so much the first two stanzas. I think setting up the contrasts is a good idea but I think you need to give us more in s1 and s2.

elphin