Birth of a poem

[arunansu]

I slog through miles
to embrace your bricks and mortar.

I bend over my knees,
kiss your dust on a childish dawn.

My frigid senses melt
with the mouthfuls at your cafeteria.

I picture your glow signs
in melodic notes of a concert

and spend long hours in your pubs,
scripting these very lines.

[Richard WH]

I kinda like this one; nice idea and simply and effectively done.

There's a word left out (or extra one put in) in L1
I slog through miles (my preference)
or
I have to slog through miles

Would also prefer:
I picture your glowing signs
in the melodic notes of a concert

but I do like this...

[dl04]

I like this poem, the narrative is very innoncent which is nice.

Like Richard says there are some wording issues, but if you just rectify them it'll be fine. I particulary liked:

and spend long hours in your pubs,
scripting these very lines- lovely ending

Nice stuff

dl04.

[arunansu]

Sorry for the typo in the first line! Edited it. Thanks for your replies.

[ladyteazle]

Ahhh... very postmodern and self referential, but I'm not sure I understand all of the images

"My frigid senses melt
with the mouthfuls at your cafeteria." Too cryptic for me again. Are you saying that poetry is feeding you somehow and you are therefore unlocked to right further poetry?

"childish dawn" - the beginnng of inventing your poem?

I agree with Richard about glow/glowing.

The final two lines are the best.

A fab idea, but could be worked up to something even better I think.