We musn't tell

[dl04]

Today we had to duck under desks,
and jump over chairs
just to conceal
her words of discontent.

Last week
you were sighing at the seperation
between her,
and the man stroking her with attention.

I hate to say you've left it too long
or that you should shout out
the words,
that others have shouted before.

Now you claim first look at our texts
of our friend muttering;
'It just wont work'.

So we steal the words back
and hide them in electronic trash
because we know of the crushing,
and we musn't tell anything.

[barrie]

I know nowt about mobile phones or texting but there's something about this I like - it's quite intriguing really.

the man stroking her with attention - this is good, as is V3 -

I hate to say you've left it too long
or that you should shout out
the words,
that others have shouted before.

My only suggestion is to leave anything off the end.

So we steal the words back
and hide them in electronic trash
because we know of the crushing,
and we musn't tell.

Good simple style that says more on second reading.

Good stuff

Barrie

[arunansu]

Much has been said by Barrie.Nothing new to add. Nice write. I particularly like S2 and S3.
Cheers.

[dogofdiogenes]

Ditto, although I am particularly fond of v 1-for me there was something about the sound of the lines which made it particularly vivid. I picked up a good sense of frustration from this, too-I could picture it.

dangerdog

[Milu]

Today we had to duck under desks,
and jump over chairs
just to conceal
her words of discontent. [nice image there]

Last week
you were sighing at the seperation
between her,
and the man stroking her with attention.

I hate to say you've left it too long
or that you should shout out
the words,
that others have shouted before. [ after reading "I'd hate to say" I naturally wondered what you wanted to say. Threw me off a bit]

Now you claim first look at our texts
of our friend muttering;
'It just wont work'.

So we steal the words back
and hide them in electronic trash
because we know of the crushing,
and we musn't tell anything. [my first impression reading is that this line is a bit weak compared to the rest of the poem. It just seems so passive.]

I didn't quite understand the poem, but I did my best to give you some ideas and inital impression I got. You've got some really nice imagery, and I like the tension of the poem.

[keekee107]

I like this. It has very clear imagery and meaning - which is refreshing and easy to picture.

' the man stroking her with attention.' - lovely line with great imagery
'So we steal the words back
and hide them in electronic trash' - very nice.

The only thing I wasn't too sure on really was:
'Now you claim first look at our texts
of our friend muttering;' - claim 'first look'? Hmm... but if he's stealing the phone and you know what the texts are about, is this really first look? Also, I didn't think the repetition of 'our' worked very well. It jarred with me personally.

A very nice poem though. A simple style with a simple message that is communicated well.