Ripples

[Milu]

Clutching a stone,
my knuckles are pale.
I hurl it into the lake;

All I create is ripples.

Rings band together
struggling against
the indifferent current.
Stretched too far,
they are inevitably broken.

Wiping the dirt off my palms
I fight against the sting of tears
welling up inside my throat.

I won't let them surface today.

Reaching into my pocket
I take your picture
gently, I lay it to rest
with the current.

For now...

All I can create is ripples.

[barrie]

The first half of this works quite well for me - it's when the tears start that familiar phrases creep in - sting of tears welling up; gently lay it to rest. Also the image of laying something to rest in a current doesn't quite ring true. I would say rethink the second part and make it support a fine ending.

Wiping the dirt off my palms,
I hold all tears below the surface.

Reaching into my pocket
for your picture,
I let the current take it.

For now...

All I can create is ripples. - Just a couple of ideas.

nice one

Barrie

[arunansu]

I second Barrie on this. Valuable suggestion regarding the ending lines. The piece is excellent otherwise.

[ray miller]

I like this very much, there is an ever present feel of anger just below the surface. Tears welling up inside my throat is nice and poignant and I think the next line of I won't let them surface today is crucial to the whole poem. well done, ray

[alexander]

Firstly, I think this is excellent. The intensity is there in relatively few lines. Perhaps you could squeeze it to an even smaller and more intense state?

Clutching a stone,
my knuckles are pale.
I hurl it into the lake;

All I create is ripples.

Should perhaps be a full stop after lake? Otherwise, the capitalization of "all" is inconsistent. Also, the enjambment over the stanza makes me think of a larger gap than a semi-colon. Obviously it's a personal choice.

Rings band together
struggling against
the indifferent current.
Stretched too far,
they are inevitably broken.

You don't get currents in a lake, do you? Unless these ripples are struggling against each other's subsidiary currents, but I don't think that's what you've implied.

Wiping the dirt off my palms
I fight against the sting of tears
welling up inside my throat.

I won't let them surface today.

Reaching into my pocket
I take your picture
gently, I lay it to rest
with the current.

I'd be thinking a comma after "palms" wouldn't go amiss. "Current" again, as previously discussed. Something more specific than "picture"? I'm expecting you mean photograph, although perhaps "polaroid" would go nicely here, even if it's becoming an archaism? Finally, perhaps you could condense these three stanzas into two?

For now...

Not sure this line is vital. I'd be trying to slim this down a little. Another personal opinion, not a genuine criticism.

All I can create is ripples.

Brilliant.

[Milu]

Aww, thank you guys. I am still learning how to punctuate poems >_< but I will definately use this advice ^__^