see ya! (rewrite/addition)

[TDF]

edit:
Added a few more stanzas and tweaked what I had already a wee bit. Further thoughts appreciated as ever.

See ya!

Marbles rattle,
with the keyboard clatter
and mindless chatter.
All farewells
should be sudden,
when forever.
- Byron

Losing the plot,
My juggled hot potatoes,
dropped.
I'm just going outside,
and may be some time,
Scott.

Hear parting shots:
the daggered flak
of fork-tongued shit, but
They couldn’t hit
an elephant at this distance.
- Sedgewick

Their words don't stick,
or stone, no broken bones
or scars...
Last words are for fools
who haven't said enough.
- Marx

No more of this
working in circles,
I'm bored with it all.
- Winston Churchill


*******************************
It's been too long since I visited these boards and prolly need to catch up on a few crits, but I wrote this today and thought I would share it. I'm not actually sure if it's finished, I think the idea lends itself to another couple of stanzas, but I need to find suitable famous last words...


See ya!

Losing the plot,
My juggled hot potatoes,
dropped.
I'm just going outside
and may be some time,
Scott.

Marbles rattlle,
with the keyboard clatter
and chatter.
All farewells
should be sudden,
when forever.
- Byron



edited: to remove italics

[Danté]

Hi

I would agree that your idea lends itself to further exploration. Personally I found the two stanzas, more inviting without the quotes. Perhaps a line space to separate your words from the quotes rather than italics. But hey it´s your idea and you have your own intentions. Personally, quotes are not something I use unless absolutely all other options are exausted, but hen that´s me lol. I look forward to reading more of this if you do feel inclined to work this to completion.

Regards

Danté

[TDF]

cheers dante,

thanks for your thoughts, you confirmed my italics worry. I only added the slanties before posting and I'm not quite so sure why, since I wanted the quotes to hide a little better than that. So they are gone, even if the poem gets no longer.
I was going to leave out the relevant names too, but I liked the rhymes, so they stay.

TDF

[Lake]

Hi TDF,

I find it fun to read. Like the images of hot potatoes and clattering keyboard. I'm late to see your slanties - now there's no quote, everything is your idea.

All farewells
should be sudden,
when forever

Isn't it true?

Not so sure of this line and may be some time,/Scott.

Best,

Lake

[Elphin]

Tom

this is a good idea - famous last words should be ripe for playing with.

Just to be awkward - put the italics back in. Help the reader distinguish the quotes and emphasise the contrast between your words and theirs.

So lets see a bit more and a bit of polish - big potential with this

elphin

[dogofdiogenes]

This is good fun, and along with Lake enjoyed the hot potatoes. That's a powerful image. It's very 'tight' though, needs a bit more teasing....does it like chocolate drops??


dog

[arunansu]

Dear TDF,

A powerful piece , but I want to see the italics back.
Cheers.

[Kilravluis]

I must say that I'd rather see the italics back - and change Scott to Oates, maybe even Captain Oates.

nice one

Kilthathusky

[TDF]

Cheers for your thoughts all.

okies, so italics will go back in for the next draft.

Kril - I know the quote is from Oates, but he was speaking TO Scott. Hence the coma not the dash (as in v2).

[Kilravluis]

Kril - I know the quote is from Oates, but he was speaking TO Scott. Hence the coma not the dash (as in v2).

- Yes, I can see that, I just thought that if you were quoting him you should maybe name him (Scott gets enough credit).

What do you mean Kril - What am I, just whalefood?

Viakrillus

[TDF]

haha sorry Kilravuis, I don't have filter-feeder eyes, it was a mistype

And yeah, I know Scott gets all the credit, and indeed it wasn't until i researched the quote that I found it wasn't actually Scott that said it. But I really liked the half rhyme with dropped/Scott... but I will consider your point for the re-write.
thanks

Tom

[smiffey]

Hi TDF,

Great - and for me, the first stanza especially.

I have been trying to put my finger on why I liked that stanza in particular - I guess it's the casualness of it against the harsh reality of the real event.

Cheers
smiffey

[dl04]

Yeah, i'd be tempted to put the italics in too, it'd just make the piece that little bit more effective.

I like the concept of the poem, and i think it's quite profound generally. Particulary like the lines:

All farewells
should be sudden,
when forever- This line had a strong impact on me for some reason, i thought it was highly resonate.

Juggled hot potatoes- is a strong line too, powerful but still maintaning the simplicity.

Good work.

[TDF]

finally got around to adding some more (in OP).

bring it on...

[Danté]

It's like reading a toatally different piece. The rhyme in S3 has real impact where you have it situated. And unlike my first read the quotes have far more relevance in their current setting. Some good lines above the quotes which seem comfortable being so.

Thanks for an enjoyable read

Danté

[barrie]

It's the Oates' quote - it doesn't fit in my opinion. Every quote is attributable to the end name - except that one. I see how you've tried to break the link between the quote and Scott by using a comma instead of a full stop, dropping the hyphen and italicizing his name. But the human eye sees what it expects to see and not what's always in front of it. I know you've used Scott for the rhyme, but you've lost continuity. It would make more sense (to me anyway) to rewrite the first three lines of that verse to accomodate the name of Oates.

Barrie

[twoleftfeet]

Nice one, Tom

I think Churchill might have said something like
"All of it I am bored with"

I originally read BYRON as 'Bye, Ron

Geoff

[TDF]

Barrie, I totally agree. My original intention was to use a combo of quotes TO and quotes BY, but it didn't work out that way. I have tried rewriting the Scott verse to include Oates instead, but all attempts have failed so far. But I will keep chipping at it most likely.

tlf, you are probably right about the potential Churchill misquote. But what kind of research done on the internet isnt inherently a bit wrong?

[barrie]

Just a though, Tom - If you're thinking of using Oates, consider dropping the hot potatoes and messing about with host, coat the coat would be handy link to going outside.

Pass me another husky steak.

[zkhestanova]

But you must have been tempted to end the poem with Marx. Last words are for fools? So let him have them and by doing so introduce something of a paradox. The authority of 'last words for fools' coming as last words and so undermining either the author, the quotation, or both... zalina, x ps. The bored with it ending is an overcommon way out, no?

[TDF]

Cheers barrie, my hand is scratching my chin as I type.

zk, you make a good point and it's one I considered. Guess I settled on the order I did, because 1)the irony of the fact I'm using the last words of fools as an insult to the 'others', yet doing it myself - hopefully making things less holyer than though, and maybe a bit more human. and 2) because well, it may be common, but it's unfortunately also true... and in this case was the final straw that broke the camel.
But I'm not convinced I'm 'right'. Thanks for your thoughts.