Poem

[Ayeshyy]

[I'll think of a better title soon ]

Yes, Maybe when I look to the stars
I see bad motions, toils, scars
stitched into the sky, untarnished seams
to hold back all our hopes and dreams
in darkest hours I wonder why
I bother to laugh, to smile, to cry
to ponder lover, to feel hate
realationships to blossom, create
when the stars can hang so admirably high
and dangle lifelessly from the sky
and the sky can change
so bright
so dim
and swallow smiles and laughter within
in darkest times, with no reason to rise
I still gaze at these stars and they light my eyes
for in my life I keep the hope
I dream beyond my horrorscope
some days are bright
and full
and high
some days are dark as the changing sky
yet even in the lonesome night
there are still shining stars alight
and my emotions are their plight
for in the highs I rejoice their sight
yet in the lows I deteste their might

[smiffey]

Hi Ayeshyy,

I personally think you are right to consider an alternative title - Life encompasses so many different elements and I'm not sure you have, or for that matter anyone could sucessfully condense it into a poem.

I'd maybe remove the 'Yes' at the beginning - but that's just my view.

Also, the last five line endings are a little to much for me - but what do I know!

Overall, I thought it a good stab and worth refining.

Cheers
Smiffey

[Charlotte]

I really like how the rhyme scheme sort of pushes you onwards through the poem and how well it works with the metre to make it all flow beautifully. I do agree with smiffy that the final rhyme repetitions perhaps detract from the poem, it just doesn't seem to sound so well crafted as the rest of it which is a shame as this takes from what you've already accomplished earlier in the poem.

[Danté]

I kind of arrived at this party a little late, so most of the relevant stuff has been covered.
The rymes at the end might work better if you cleverly alter the line breaks and have them in the lines rather than hung out to dry on the ends. I can see you have built the poem up to that point and have made a choice to have all that rhyme in one place. If you decide to keep the rhyme fair dues as it is bold to have so much so close, I do think internal positioning is worth a look.

Obviously feel free to take or leave my babble

Danté

[Elphin]

Hi Aye - good to see you posted again. First experience not too bad then.

Like the first poem you have delivered something with personal feeling and you have handled rhyme and rhythm to deliver that. Try this exercise though - look at what you have written and see how many times you have said something similar but in a different way, then pick the best of it and see if you can make your poem deliver what you want to say with (say) half as many lines.

Go on try it

elph

P.s. dont forget to keep up your crits

[Ayeshyy]

Thank you for your crits
I think this poem needs a lot of work to convey the message I was trying to put out, but that's pretty much why I've posted it here
The more I read it I realise the last few rhymes are a bit heavy, I'll try narrowing it down to three rather than five rhymes. I prefer writing rhyming poetry to non-rhyming because I like the way it flows but I know that sometimes it does sound a bit heavy so I'll work on that.

Ayesh xx