Cheek-revised (HM OCTOBER)

[Raisin]

Tendrils creep
along paths of stone
carved by those,
born centuries before me.
Stones skitter
under my weary feet,
as I trudge
down this crooked road.
Sick of doing
what others do, always.
So I stoop down
along the way,
quickly grab a stone and
hurl it through brittle glass.
Alarms squeal,
so I scram, thrilled
by my daring,
looking back over my shoulder
every ten seconds.
Safe at home, I sit down
at the table,
with the kettle on,
heart pumping adrenaline
through my veins.
A tap at the door,
I answer it, breathing deep.

"Yesh ocifer?"

Cheek (revised)

Tendrils crawl
along paths of stone
carved by the hands of those,
born centuries before me.
Stones skitter
under my weary feet,
as I trudge
down this tired lane.

Scornful of repeating
what others do, always.
So I stoop down
along the way, quick.
Clutch a stone in my
burning hand and hurl it
through brittle glass,
that shivers, then implodes.
Alarms squeal, the pigs!

So I scram, thrilled
by my daring,
glancing over my shoulder
every ten seconds.
At home, I sit, panting,
heart pumping adrenaline
through my veins.
I answer the door, inhaling oxygen.

"Yesh ocifer?"

[Danté]

Tendrils creep
along paths of stone
carved by those,
born centuries before me.
Stones skitter
under my weary feet,
as I trudge
down this old road. I think you could drop the old here as it is already stated in your describing it.
Sick of doing
what others do, always.
So I stoop down
along the way, quickly. It feels like quickly should begin the next statement here,
Grab a stone and perhaps combine and make the whole section one sentence
hurl it through brittle glass.
Alarms ring,
so I scram, thrilled
by my daring.
Back at home, I sit down
at the table,
with the kettle on.
Knock at the door.

"Yes officer?" ocifer gets right up their noses, try it some time

Raisin,

You have a rebellious poem here. I suggest you add a little tension towards the end, a pondering of conscience, wondering if you've been seen/bubbled by an onlooker.
Good concept, I think you can get more mileage out of this, ideas are precious, work it to the max, now that you have one.

Just a few suggestions, I enjoyed the read

Danté

[Raisin]

Thanks Dante, useful suggestions.
I put "crooked" before road instead of "old", can I use that? Worry that it will remind readers of the childrens rhyme! I went for the whole thing at the end "yesh ocifer" and hope it works. Tension building was a good idea as well, so thanks again.
Raisin

[Danté]

Crooked, is an ok description.
Take a little more time with your edit, I know you are razor sharp, but you are not currently making the most of this. Let´s have a few thought processes, they are the interest, the road, once established is just an ornament in this poem. Spend five minutes role playing the part in your head, get revved up like you would be, when making a choice like lobbing portland through someones reconstructed sand.
Use scenarios that you have experienced and note the immediate reactions to them.

The trudge is good, as it depicts a so-so kind of demeanor prior to making a rash decision.
Sick of doing what others do, is not that strong a case for the actions that follow.

Come on, use that acrobatic set of brain cells you obviously have and get your teeth into this.
It does not have to be an essay, so expand where you can and trim out the dead wood.

Sorry to be pedantic, but I think you will look at this and probably be altering it while I type this reply.

thanks

Danté

[Raisin]

Hi Dante,
thanks again, I do rush in to the revisions a bit! I will definately take a proper look, and in a couple of days hopefully there will be a properly thought over revision Advice is great as usual,
cheers,
Raisin

[Dalena]

Raisin,

Very naughty..........
A fun read, and I see you have some advice already........
I think the original "officer" line needs to be as the original to reflect the seriousness........
It looks to me like it was suggested in jest..........and not for inclusion here, as it spoils the poem IMHO.

Some of the other suggestions are helpful..........because.......it does not quite grasp.....the areas that would help this poem deliver a real punch.........

I hope your rock throwing is..........confined to the page or metaphors.......

the potential..........is here..........it just needs a slightly better delivery......

Thankz

Dalena x

[Raisin]

Dalena, thanks.
Of course I'm not one of those stupid yobs that go out at night and vandalise stuff, I stay in and watch Hollyoaks and House! I'm looking at both endings and deciding what one to do, the poem was written in jest so it might actually be better that the persona (not me ) sounds drunk.
Thanks again,
Raisin

[Elphin]

Congrats on the Hon Mention

elph

[Suzanne]

Congrats from me, too!
I somehow missed this read?? MY telephone is not always the most useful when reading this site. This was a tidy snapshot of youth. Great!
Suzanne

[R. Broath]

Delightful read. There's a joyfulness about it which gives the narrator a Huck Finn quality of naive investigation rather than deliberate delinquency. Loved it.

R

[David]

Well done, Raisin. All together now - "No, no, no, I'm not a juvenile delinquent."

Cheers

David

[arunansu]

Congratulations for your HM award. Well deserved.
Cheers.

[Merlin]

well done Raisin.....

You been speaking to my probation officer? Are you my probation officer?

[Raisin]

Wow! Thanks so much, I haven't been on for a while so I have literally just seen this. Glad you have all enjoyed it, Merlin, honestly! When I got hold of your criminal record...
David, your quotes always make me smile - like that.
And thanks to everyone else that read and commented.

From a very chuffed Raisin

[Danté]

Well done Raisin,

Good to see you about the place, all the best.

Danté

[mesmie]

and a well done from me too coz I have only just read it


but congrats anyway with a super write..



Mx

[sneaker]

Hi Raisin,
Well done you, well deserved!
Only just seen this, not been around much the last few weeks, I'm so pleased for you.
From a very proud Auntie Sneaker XX

[Raisin]

Thanks Dante and Mesmie
You too Auntie Sneaks, hope to see some of your posts up again soon, I know you've been busy lately!
Thanks again everyone,
Raisin