Revision:
The ever vengeful comeback queen,
jealous, spiteful, maybe mean.
She tossed her tainted, poisoned heart
in to a bed of trampled red roses
leaving the earth soiled and unclean.
The always present wrath she showed,
sadness and pain on all bestowed
had grown, from a stormy sea of pain,
that began with a ripple of a kiss
and ebbed away, in tears that flowed.
The ever vengeful comeback queen
Jealous,spiteful maybe mean
She tossed her tainted poisoned heart
Into a bed of trampled red roses
Leaving the earth soiled and unclean
The always present wrath she showed
Sadness and pain on all bestowed
Had grown from a stormy sea of pain
That began with a ripple of a kiss
And ebbed away with tears that flowed
Prima Donna (Revised)
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Raisin
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1028
- Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:08 pm
- Location: The land of daffodils and leeks
This poem has some lovely ideas, I think you could work on it a bit. "Maybe mean" is nice alliteration but "mean" sounds pretty weak compared to a lot of the other language you have used. I liked the first line, it seems kind of gabbled out, which is good, but you only have one comma in the entire poem, so I think you could add some more puctuation. My suggestion would be...
"The ever vengeful comeback queen,
jealous, spiteful, maybe mean.
She tossed her tainted, poisoned heart
in to a bed of trampled red roses
leaving the earth soiled and unclean.
The always present wrath she showed,
sadness and pain on all bestowed
had grown, from a stormy sea of pain,
that began with a ripple of a kiss
and ebbed away, with tears that flowed."
Also you don't always have to have capital letters at the beginning of each line
Hope this helps,
Raisin
"The ever vengeful comeback queen,
jealous, spiteful, maybe mean.
She tossed her tainted, poisoned heart
in to a bed of trampled red roses
leaving the earth soiled and unclean.
The always present wrath she showed,
sadness and pain on all bestowed
had grown, from a stormy sea of pain,
that began with a ripple of a kiss
and ebbed away, with tears that flowed."
Also you don't always have to have capital letters at the beginning of each line
Hope this helps,
Raisin
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)
Liked the piece. That's all I could add after Raisin has given you such valuable suggestions. Waiting for the edit.
Arunansu
Arunansu
Thanks all for reading the poem and your words of advice and encouragement!
Mike, well spotted! I like how that reads..
Raisin, thanks for your help and advice on this, it reads much better with punctuation!
I'm learning as I go along and I really appreciate any help or suggestions anyone can offer!!
Galaxy
Mike, well spotted! I like how that reads..
Raisin, thanks for your help and advice on this, it reads much better with punctuation!
I'm learning as I go along and I really appreciate any help or suggestions anyone can offer!!
Galaxy
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Raisin
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1028
- Joined: Thu Aug 07, 2008 8:08 pm
- Location: The land of daffodils and leeks
Your welcome I really like the revision, easier to read and that was a good suggestion from Mick that you took note of, well done.
Raisin
I really like the revision, easier to read and that was a good suggestion from Mick that you took note of, well done.Raisin
In the beginning there was nothing, and it exploded. (Terry Pratchett on the Big Bang Theory)
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Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
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This was fun. I know this lady.
I feel that I am jumping in late to the game here....
Miss a few days here and it like you've missed a party.
Nice to see others learning as they go!
Suzanne
I feel that I am jumping in late to the game here....
Miss a few days here and it like you've missed a party.
Nice to see others learning as they go!
Suzanne