thoughts on my faults

[tinetimbre]

I float in-between intelligence
And deniable incompetence

I preach a life style
Lead by heart, not by currency
But ultimately I’m destined to fail
Fully aware of my dependency

I make up these arguments
Without passion
Without sense
Despising my logic as I progress
But you know what?
I ‘m an eternal success
And I never resort to insults
And I never transgress

I have become a rebel
Opposed to all things calculated
I feel it is my apex
But it often leaves me hated

I have become a metaphor
The definition of insecure

[David]

Lead by heart, not by currency

Do you mean "Lead" or "Led"?

To my middle-aged ears this sounded like "rap" - that is what you young people call it, isn't it?

Whatever, tis a lively thing. I like the idea of I have become a metaphor, although I don't quite see how The definition of insecure relates to that line.

Good stuff.

Cheers

David

[galaxy13]

I liked that 'deniable incompetence!'

Clever bit of writing, enjoyed the read

Thanks,

Galaxy

[Danté]

I agree with both points that David has raised and have one other you might like to ponder.

"these arguments"

I couldn´t find any definite arguments to which this might refer, so perhaps you might want to have some definite conflicting notions beyond what is at best, mild debate.

Just a thought, which might strengthen that statement a little.

That aside, I enjoyed your poem and hope to read more of your work.
Great subject choice, which reflects a common ponderance of what we allow to influence or otherwise.

Nice work

Danté

[Raisin]

I think David is right, this would sound good as a rap, but the use of language makes it quite a nice poem as well.
I've taken some parts out and highlighted what might do with a tweak.

I preach a life style
Lead by heart, not by currency<I like this line
But ultimately I’m destined to fail> it's no problem to use colloquialisms in poetry but I think here "I'm" would sound better as "I am"
"I ‘m an eternal success">same here, you seem to have the apostrophe the wrong way round!

"I have become a rebel
Opposed to all things calculated
I feel it is my apex
But it often leaves me hated">I think here the rhythm is a bit jerky, you might want to add an extra syllable or two. Something like "scorned and hated?"

Apart from those things it is a nice read, I like the topic as well.

Thanks,
Raisin

[tinetimbre]

thanks for the feedback.

i prefer to call it a "poem with rythm" than a rap, mainly because i have no influence from conventional rap.
I will, no doubt, return to this as i do many of my poems, but often i find the inspiration i have for writing a particular poem in the first place drains and the poem goes unchanged.

"these arguments" does not refer to the poem, it refers to my own argumentative nature, which frequently causes fallouts between me, friends and family.

And yes David, ive noticed the last line is a bit odd in hindsight.

As for the grammatical errors, i apologise, it was checked in a hurry.

[Suzanne]

Hi,

I enjoyed this and liked the toe tapping feel.
I think that it represents the internal struggle that most people go through before they realize they are parents of teenagers.. and then everything changes again.

Nice slice of life,
Suzanne

[David]

Hi,

I enjoyed this and liked the toe tapping feel.
I think that it represents the internal struggle that most people go through before they realize they are parents of teenagers.. and then everything changes again.

I second that!