The Transfigured Life

[PhilipCFJohnson]

The Transfigured Life

I remember

It was a time when the world covered
A great expanse and there was I
Too small to comprehend

But I had been alive indefinitely
At the prospect of walking the earth
And life

And when the sun shone it shone brightly
To an Audience of youth
That sat happily beneath a cloudless heaven

And when it rained it rained love
It rained laughter and mischievous romance
And how we would dance in that rain

And the snow did excite us
How it did make pure and white our ever golden world
The prospect of that blank untouched realm

But now the world is dying
It withers and shrinks
Choking all that dwell within it

All solace falls to folly
And there is no place in which to walk
It no longer becomes me

The sun's light searches
And burning it exposes all truth
Travesty in its glare

The rain which comes without warning
Dampens life and halts the moving of feet
Pools of water on the ground, warding as deathly mirrors

The snow bars my path, chills my skin
And grinds worlds to idle rest
It's plainness a daunting wasteland

My life, my self has changed
So that when I look up
To a new clear sky

I do not see the inviting blue
Eternity that once held
So much promise

In its place I see an emptiness
That hides from this world
Another great emptiness

So that we will never know
That alone, the life we have
Is trickling out

I cannot feel if this sight is an affliction
Or a lasting depth
of bleak illusion

Like that of my youth's fantastical universe
That it snuffed out
Without a word.

[arunansu]

I enjoyed the piece. The emotions are painted nicely. I was wondering whether you could make any changes to this part:
"I cannot feel if this change is an affliction
Or a lasting notion
of bleak illusion" ... just to break the rhyme.
Nice write.

[PhilipCFJohnson]

I enjoyed the piece. The emotions are painted nicely. I was wondering whether you could make any changes to this part:
"I cannot feel if this change is an affliction
Or a lasting notion
of bleak illusion" ... just to break the rhyme.
Nice write.

Yeah I know how you mean...it sounds like a rap...lol
But i couldn't think of an alternative...

Everyone is welcome to help!

[writedis]

Yeah this is good. Had to read it a few times and now I've come back to it.

Starts off so beautifully, than a change in emotion and the reality of death or more specifically 'time' eating away the past sets a depressing tone. (Depressing - isn't negative in this context)

I like the references to weather and the earth especially the stanza;

'The rain which comes without warning
Dampens life and halts the moving of feet
Pools of water on the ground, warding as deathly mirrors'

That is really powerful stuff. Quite beautifully put.

There's a lot of questions hidden away and the reader needs to be on the ball to relate to them. I wouldn't say they were overly cryptic though, which kind of makes it near perfect for me.

Niggles? I think the structure is excellent but maybe, to keep it even, you could do away with one of the last six stanzas, as, the first five talk about the joys of life, the next five talk about the downfalls and the last six is more personal to you. Three parts of five stanzas, three lines each would be very rounded indeed.

Nice read. Liking your stuff.

[David]

At the risk of conforming to some sort of stereotype, I think this could be a lot shorter, Philip. I think I know what you're saying, and you do say it quite well, but I think it could be said more economically.

Having said that, the length didn't bother the good folk who have commented before me, so it's entirely up to you.

Some nice lines anyway.

Cheers

David

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Thanks for taking the time to read and assess guys!!
I changed "notion" to "stance" in the second to last stanza. I don;t know if there is much point re-posting the original for the sake of one word or not.

I'm not sure If I could bring myself to cut any material as each stanza bears a relevance to the next past stanza 10...so that's quite tricky.

I know what your saying about the length David, but (bad as this may sound) I wasn't really thinking about structure when I wrote the poem. I don't tend to write systematically, but weirdly enough my poems occur to me almost like clockwork once every second Tuesday, which is also weird because I wrote a new one today too, and another before that on a Friday!! Being on this forum is making me want to write more I think...anyway I'm rambling!!

What I meant to say is when I write I have a set of poetic ideas and phrases and it's just a matter of arranging them. In this instance it was simply a case of getting it out.

I don't really write about things that haven't happened to me, so all my poems come from my own thoughts and feelings, so a poem for me is more like an emotional snapshot, it may be a bit long to read but thats what I had to say at the time.

Sorry I know it sounds silly, but if I was writing with a more deliberate structure in mind I probably would trim it, but I'm pretty attached to each idea.

I guess in future I should write with more focus! Actually I hope you agree (when I get around to posting them) that the two poems I have written since joining this forum, have taken that more focused structured feel. The things I'm posting now are still back-issues (if you'll pardon the expression) I have one more to post and then two that I have written recently!

Sorry for such a long response, but I'm in a really talkative mood today!!

Thanks for the input guys!!

[Danté]

Phil

I planned to reply to this yesterday, but had a very limited amount of time so was rather selfish and wrote a poem in the few minutes available.
I actualy like the length in this instance, but can see that there is also a case for shortening the poem.
Certain poems work when there is a gradual progression like you have here, the length is usful so each part can relate, and the process of arriving at the closing thought is enhanced.
I have written a fair amount of longer poems, and quite a fwe which are both metrical and rhyming.
I f you stick around you will see that my current stuff is a phase within part of a much bigger cycle.
I really enjoyed this and like the tone of your words.

Nice work

all the best

Danté

[Transparent]

Hey,

Nice work. I love pieces that are short, with intense emotion. I know it was mentioned earlier, that perhaps it could have been shorter, but I would have to disagree. I think there is enough emotion in here to justify its length; if not perhaps even a touch longer. I think the three line stanzas were a bit choppy for such raw emotion; maybe fatten them up just a bit? All in all, very nice.

[El Wow!]

followedthis right through and found it excellent but very sad, sounding ever so slightly lost for hope.
El

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Thanks for all the kind words guys!

[dedalus]

This is really good stuff, PJ, and I hope you don't mind if I lash in with a few comments and opinions. To start with, perhaps don't capitalize the beginning letters of each line (it's a poetic convention, I know, but as such can be casually ignored) since it breaks the visual flow of the run-on lines. And leave out the did-do's, the rather awkward extension of verbs. I'm not very happy with theoretical crits. I can do them, but I don't enjoy them much. When I see something outstandingly good (which this poem certainly is) I get an urge to play around with it. It's like dealing with a song, a piece of music. Arrangements ...

Some people get into a frightful snit when I mess around with their god-given inspirational words. They seem to think they've been carved into stone -- granite, mind you, not just any old piece of rock -- so I just hope you're not one of them!

Cheers,
Brendan

So, having said all that, here goes:

I remember ...

it was a time when the world covered
a great expanse, and there was I
too small to comprehend

and the sun when it shone burned brightly
down on its avid audience of youth
beneath the cloudless canopy of heaven;

and the rain when it rained brought love,
brought laughter and mischievous romance,
and we danced in that rain;

and the snowflakes, floating, excited us,
they made pure and white our youthful world,
our golden faery untouched realm.

But now this magic world is dying
and it withers and shrivels and shrinks,
choking all that dwell within it;

all solace has given way to folly,
and there is no place in which to walk,
no place to feel at home.

Now the sun burns down without mercy
and its ruthless rays expose us all:
we are a travesty in its glare;

and the rain falls now without warning,
dampening life, halting the moving of feet,
pools of water, ghastly mirrors on the ground;

the snow now bars our every path, chills our skin,
it grinds the whole world to idle rest --
white and ferocious, a daunting wasteland.

I do not see the inviting blue
of the eternal, the sky that once held
so much promise.

In its place I see only emptiness,
and behind it, hiding from this world,
an even greater emptiness.

--------------------------

I hope the brazen cheekiness of the re-write above doesn't offend you since the very notion of offering offense was the furthest thing from my mind. I thought it was a corker of a poem. I'm a bit of a musician (Irish traditional -- not the yideyideyide crap, the real stuff, which is very much improvisational once the theme has been laid down) and I play with and manage a local band of Japanese lads all wheedled and persuaded away from Bluegrass -- what happened to Irish music when it hit the New World in the 18th century --

Killer CD ... live in concert! ... all yours (send an address) for 10 quid p&p included!

-- and so I'm in the awful habit of re-arranging tunes and trying out different time signatures and approaches and combinations of instruments. This (truth to tell) is more or less what I did with your poem.

Innocent (!) cultural activities such as these -- they are marvellously and thrillingly aggressive -- delay the dying of the light, as so eloquently portrayed in your poem. Stave it off for a bit, anyway.

Slán agus beannachtaí,
breandáin

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Hey dedalus! I'm glad my poem warranted so much enthusiasm for you to do your own arrangement of it! Thanks for going to the trouble.

I think this is a good thing to see because it shows how two poets can make the same basic material come from two different worlds. And how different are poetic voices are.

I wouldn't write this poem like that (no offense intended) because it uses too many words-per-point if you catch my drift. It's nice on it's own but it makes the voice of the poem sound like it has a lot of conviction, and the voice in this poem has lost hope.

I don't mean this in a bad way but I think your arrangement kind of takes the character out of the piece. Again not in a bad way, as it is given a new character through your voice, but as I said, your voice and mine come from very separate worlds.

I'm glad you found this poem good enough to play with though! And this has been a very good poetic experiment!

Many thanks
P

[mesmie]

What a very interesting thread this is..I have enjoyed reading all the thoughts.

A super time line poem Phillip but oh so sad..

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Thank you very much! I'm glad you found it enjoyable

[PhilipCFJohnson]

Sorry to drag up an old thread! But I made some changes to the second to last stanza!

Second Revision:

I cannot feel if this change is an affliction
Or a lasting stance
Of bleak illusion


New Revision:

I cannot feel if this sight is an affliction
Or a lasting depth
Of bleak illusion