Revised: Bourbon Creams

[dogofdiogenes]

Bourbon Creams-revised version

Bourbon Creams

Dad hates Bourbons,
hates adverts on TV.
He hates the jokes which aren't his own
but he likes me.

He hates his job and
smokers and coffee;
He hates my mother who mothers him so
he has sex with me.


Anyway, Happy New Year everyone.

doggo

[mesmie]

well...Happy New Year to you too..


Short sharp terse...I had a compulsion to thwack the dad on the head wiv a baseball bat till it was all red and pulpy...and slap the mum round a bit too..for good measure..


mx

[karalma]

Wow...this taught me how 4 small words can change a poem completely. Was this your original meaning or did you change it? I really liked how something else could be read into the poem...until the final line which made it all explicit.

[John G]

I don;'t know if your meant to find this funny but I did.

I can't remember thr first version so am not aware of the changes but the child abuse bit at the end, in my opinion makes it both sinister and funny.

Keep it up.

[David]

Hi Jacq, I think I liked the previous version better. That had a blithe happy feeling to it. This seems altogether darker.

What happened to that previous version?

Great to see you back, anyway. Now, what's it going to be - light or dark?

Cheers

David

[Danté]

Yes, this is better than the original in my opinion.
Completely altered in tone and uses very strong suggestion to great effect.
The clverest part of this poem for me, is the fact it could be step-dad or biological, or adopted, and the simple fact that this can be pondered rienforces the interest in the poem.
And then of course, there is the plain and simple, exactly what it says, which is certainly going to get a reader's attention. Good stuff.

All the best

Danté

[wildmountainthyme]

brilliant

[Leigh]

Very simple, incredibly effective. The hall arks of goodness. Well done, it's like being punched in the guts.

[arunansu]

Powerful and intense. I read and forgot your previous version. However, a great write.
Cheers.

[dogofdiogenes]

Hi folks,

Thank you for all your feedback. Despite the unpleasantness of the poem, there was part of me (as an adult) which can see the funny part of it. I know that that sounds terrible but there can be a twist in an account which you wouldn't get in real life. I'm a survivor myself, so if anyone might be offended I have already taken that on board.
I think I have to go for the darker version, David. I find the lighter side a little more difficult to deal with easily. Trouble is, coming from a survivor's perspective the last line of the original BC could easily be as sinister as the revised.
But most importantly I revised something-I could develop good habits at last!!!

jacq