Inachis io (Peacock Butterfly) (Revised title)

[Angus McQuaid]

Inachis io

Powdered lace in circles
From self-effacing pod
Coloured by a miracle
Tenderly formed by God
Push, pull flying action
To you the flowers bow
Vying for attention
For you the flowers grow
You rest with limbs outspread
A masterpiece evinced
You faultlessly are bred
Of this we are convinced
And Hollywood in all its glory
is not arrayed as thee.

[Alucinary]

Hello,

Theres a couple of things in here I have previously been advised to avoid so I shall pass them on to you:

- Try to stick with more modern language and structure - eg "You faultlessly are bred" would become "You are faultlessly bred" and "thee" would become you.

- Do not use capital starts all the way through the poem - instead let the enjambment flow properly. In a few cases such as Push, pull..." I would begin with a capital as it is not following through from the previous line. This would help to make it clear which lines continue and which don't.

- And continuing the previous point perhaps include a few commas or periods at the end of some of the lines.



The other thing I personnally noticed was that a lot of the language choice was uncommon, this can lead to a very interesting poem, however I found when reading that I did not know a few of the words (ok maybe I should do more crosswords or something...) which meant looking them up to understand your meaning which spoilt my reading somewhat as I was stopping and starting. Examples of these are: the title - Inachis io, self-effacing, vying (though I could understand this from the context). I dare say the better educated amoungst us would have no issue with this and recommend keeping your choice of wording.

Having said all that I did enjoy your descriptions and imagery

[David]

Angus,

Those are all fair points made by the Alucinary there. I particularly agree about the use of archaic word order, although I have to say that it sits less awkwardly in your poem than it often does, purely because you've given the whole poem a sort of olde worlde feel that I find quite attractive.

The capitals thing - meh. It doesn't bother me, but it's true that most people don't bother with it now. It's hardly worth all the controversy it seems to generate, though.

Nor do I have any problem with "self-effacing" or "vying" - these seem to me totally unexceptionable word-choices, not even a little far-fetched - but I do agree that "Inachis Io" could do with a gloss, unless you absolutely want to send us all off on a wild google chase. (It's the peacock butterfly, for the benefit of those reading this later.)

Anyway, striking out on my own, I like your poem. You rhyme it well, without appearing too strained, and it flows beautifully. Great final couplet too.

Is this your first post? It's very good.

Cheers

David

[Angus McQuaid]

Thank you Alucinary
Thank you David

Both sets of comments are useful to me and I will take note. Thanks again.

I do struggle with punctuation. The capital thing. Well I can see how it can be used to apply more emphases to a poem and the olde worlde feel to the poem is a difficult one as I do like this style and am now in the habit of writing this way. In this case however It was a purposeful thing as the poem has an underlying theme of nature v man made with a biblical slant. The final couplet is a play on words from Luke 12:27.

The title "Inchis io". I didn't want the title to be a description of the subject if you know what I mean I wanted the reader to come to a realization of the subject as the poem progressed so the obvious title would not allow this. What do you think. Should I change it to "Peacock Butterfly" or leave it? I would appreciate your feedback.

Can you also tell me please. If the final couplet makes up the last two lines does the poem still count as a Sonnet?

In answer to your question David. It is my second posting.

By the way Lucinary. I recommend Scrabble over crosswords.

Cheers. Angus

[Leigh]

Inachis oi- I quite liked not knowing what the tittle meant, though I also enjoyed having the meaning revealed to me. Though in this case it was a simple matter of reading the above comments, presenting an unknown quantity in a poem, especially in a tittle can stimulate research and develpoment on the readers part, as well opening further scope for interpretation: for example I innitially thought That Inachis oi might be a anagram. When I read this I got the impression you were desrcibing a creature of great beauty, something celestial and implicitly divine; the fact that I didn't know what exactly you were describing allowed me to create something of my own imaging, something which was specific to me, Just gives it a personal edge I suppose.

Also, I'm not sure if you intended it but the line "You faultlessly are bred" has a certain something sinister about it; faultless breading being associated with a few of the more mennacing aspects of human nature. I really liked that, it raises questions. Good ending as well, it ofsets me slightly being in ittalics, being that I'm not quite sure in what capacity you use them. I found it quite deep, well done.

[karalma]

Hi Angus

I enjoyed this very much. i too didn't know what the title meant but it caught my attention because of this. I would have preferred if the poem then went on to reveal what it was as it seemed to be even more beautiful when you knew what it was about.

[David]

The final couplet is a play on words from Luke 12:27.

Yep, spotted that, although I couldn't have given you the exact reference.

The title "Inchis io". I didn't want the title to be a description of the subject if you know what I mean I wanted the reader to come to a realization of the subject as the poem progressed so the obvious title would not allow this. What do you think. Should I change it to "Peacock Butterfly" or leave it? I would appreciate your feedback.

Hmm. I see what you're trying to do, and it's a good idea, but I don't think the poem as it is lets you arrive at the correct answer without the help of Google. So I'd be tempted to at least add "peacock butterfly" in brackets to the title.

Can you also tell me please. If the final couplet makes up the last two lines does the poem still count as a Sonnet?

I suppose it does, although I really wouldn't be too hung up on making it a sonnet (no capital S). Being a sonnet doesn't make it Better. And it's pretty good anyway.

Cheers

David

[Angus McQuaid]

Thank you for your reply David.

[Danté]

Angus

I was meaning to reply to this a while back. There are some valid points raised in respect of your syntax, but as has already been said, it reads quite well in the context of this poem. I was really keen on butterflies as a child, and used to keep caterpillars and pupae until they emerged and really enjoyed the moment when the adult butterflies were released to go about the business of procreation.
The peacock butterfly is a stunning creature, a strong flyer and highly strung when compared to some other species. Even with the wings closed, the monotone undersides of the wings have much detail.
I also think your poem fits the sonnet form, albeit improvised which is a common approach as the italian and french forms, as with many others follow a very tight metrical structure and rhyme that can drive one to distraction. I agree with David, that your rhymes seem natural here and did not spoil the read.
Anyways I am digressing, I wanted to say I enjoyed this, and now I have.

all the best

Danté

[Angus McQuaid]

Thank you Dante.

I appreciate your comments and I am glad that you enjoyed my poem. I too kept butterflies as a child. I lived in the suburbs of Bristol, England and at the back of the house was a huge acreage of railway land encompassed buy a triangle of railway track and to cross the line was an offence but if you did you would find a nicely preserved natural area. It wouldn't be unusual to find Inachis io by the 100. I love butterflies but for me the Peacock is surpassing.

Thanks again.
Angus

[El Wow!]

a neat, succinct piece, enjoyed
El

[Angus McQuaid]

Thanks El.

[backinblack]

Hi Angus, i thought this was pretty good and you have some good advice to help you improve it.
I am new here also and the help and crits always provide food for thought.
with help you can expand your writing.

Well done

Back in Black.

[Lovely]

Beautiful read really. I would of put some commas here with this without showing of the
natural silkness it has, try to comma these end lines when it's presented like this or
some of them.

Pleasure to read it. With effort comes a little perfection. Don't stop.

[Angus McQuaid]

Thank you Back in Black.
Thank you Lovely.

Angus