Evil Knievel

[John G]

the sound in his head made a kind of clunking noise,
like a car travelling on three flat tyres,
a dull thud,
that was the noise in his head,

like a car on three flat tyres through a concrete maze of urban sprawl
and buses and rude boys
bopping down the street
lined with plastic bags,

discarded coffee cups
12 years old mothers smoking fags
pushing prams
in tracksuit bottoms

High rise throw shadows which only further darken every corner.

His head thudded like an axe splintering into maple,
a forest of lumberjacks and
animal corpses trodden under foot for a thousand years
turning into charcoal

X X

Evil Knivel once built a ramp that was aimed at the stars.
He tried to climb into the ether and shake hands with God.

XX
At dinner time he pushed alphabetti spaghetti around his plate to make haiku’s.
Peas were used as full stops.

He left a suicide note.
It was illegible and badly spelt, scribbled on the back of a crumbled packet of 20 Silk Cut.
Maybe his faith had worn thin like a pair of old jeans,
a broken zip, torn pockets,
frayed hems ripped at the crouch.

[Alucinary]

I particularly love the forth line - "that was the noise in his head" I couldn't work out why originally, however after reading the first stanza over and over I think it is in part due to the more subtle "sound in his head" in the very first line

There were a couple of spag mistakes I think (though I may be wrong!) - I would have expected "12 years old mothers" to be "12 year old mothers" and you wrote that "Evil Knivel once build a ramp" rather than "Evil Knivel once built a ramp" - though I suspect this could just be a typing error.

And finally the last line of the poem "exposing pubic hair" was very striking, and to me didn't really seem to fit with the rest of the poem...

In my opinion the first two stanzas and the two within the X X's were brilliant, while the others weren't quite the same quality. I hope this makes sense.

[Suzanne]

Hi John G,
Have we met?
A warm hello if we have not. and Hi.

I liked this. I felt very rich, like an expensive dessert. I read it slowly and took it all in. There was is a lot going on. I enjoyed the little inserted section of pushing peas, I thought it was interesting.

Interseting,
Suzanne

[Leigh]

I hate it when good jeans go to pot, and why must they always fail at the crotch; manys the time i've left a gig with my cock and ball intermittently visible through a huge rip. Trousers are the most important thing in life and should consequentaly be ever lasting, i mean c'mon we live a democracy don't we, what the hell are we voting for if it isn't ever lasting trousers that fit perfectly and make you irresistable to girls. There is no god.

[Angus McQuaid]

Hi John

First read, I wondered what on earth it was all about. Second and third read, I think I got it and I like it.

My take on it is as follows: We are obviously talking about Evil Knivel the iconic American stunt man of the 1970's and in a "where were you when Elvis died" type fasion you seem to be using related events of your own experience to emphasize what the world was like around you at that time. Simaltaneously using these observations mataphorically to describe the head injury in E K. (Did I get that right?)

I also thought that the line about pubic hair did not fit and not sure about the animal corpses line. I think I get it but not sure.

Thanks for your piece.

Angus

[karalma]

Hi John

I liked the way this read but I don't really understand it. I particualrly liked
Evil Knivel once built a ramp that was aimed at the stars.
He tried to climb into the ether and shake hands with God.
but wasn't keen on the last line - just my personal preferences.

[David]

This is great, John. It's like a really tough American B-film. It's constantly surprising, and I like it.

Evel Knievel, though.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Original in form and content, John.

Its hard to crit something that relies so much on the whole for its impact - a few nits would be the repeat of the three flat tyre line, inconsistency of punctuation and some spelling (crouch/crotch?). These are niggles, only point of substance would be to question the relevance of the last line.

Enjoyed

elph

[John G]

Thank for the feedback everyone.

I have re-read and taking everyone’s thoughts on board I have been swayed about the final line and have removed – begone foul pubes!!

Elphin, spelling is always an issue, simply because I tend to write these in one go, I a rush while at work and I have always been a lazy speller. This is something I need to urgently address if I want to be taken seriously.

David, cheers, I appreciate the comments.

Once again cheers one and all.