Dance Macabre with revision

[mesmie]

Grasping straws obscene,
they poked around
just in case.

Remember that bowl,
us on either side?
It grew wider until
an ocean separated.

You wanted
to feel clean.
You were so tired,
too tired.

Crawl,
fight
cling.

For fear of the unknown.
For fear of the known.

I picked up
where you left off.
We cried, laughed
our absurdities away.

When that wasn't enough,
I screamed.

revision

Grasping straws obscene,
they poked around. just in case.
Sickly, kind words invaded.
We two were left
child-like, unable
or unwilling
to understand.

Remember that bowl
with us on either side?
It grew wider until
an ocean separated.

You wanted
to feel clean.
You were so tired,
too tired.

Crawl,
fight
cling.

For fear of the unknown.
For fear of the known.

I picked up
where you left off.
We cried, laughed
our absurdities away.

When that wasn't enough,
I screamed.

[El Wow!]

some loely lines here mesmie, super read
El

[karalma]

A great poem. I liked all of it but was a little unsure about S1. However, this didn't spoil it at all - just gave me something to think about.

[mesmie]

thanks El for those kind words..

[mesmie]

mm think my cynical view of the doctors shot through in that first stanza..was not sure wether to keep it or not..
thanks for the reply..

[Danté]

Mesmie

I liked this, and enjoyed the punchy lines.
It's well put together and has a lot contained in the tight form that is engaging for the reader.
My main observation would be this: The subject matter seems to be trapped a little, like it is in
cupped hands, that I am trying to find gaps between the fingers to observe just a tiny bit more.
It's a fine line in respect of what you show the reader, I think that you might need to show a little
more here. I read the comments re: S1. I think the poem needs both S1 and S2 to set a scene for the reader and put the other lines in a tangible context. If you are pondering the first verse, perhaps you could re write that verse to give the reader a few more straws to grasp at.
I enjoy your work, and this is no exception, an enjoyable read that is certainly worth polishing
a little more to get what you are saying to come across with a little more clarity.
You could also depict the emotional aspects a in a slightly stronger way, but that's obviously
dependant on the feel that you choose to convey here. Good stuff.

Thanks for an enjoyable read

Tim

[arunansu]

Dear Mesmie,
This should feature in the "experienced forum". At least that's how I feel. I'm still reading it, and trying to grasp the ideas.
Cheers.

[Suzanne]

Mesmie
Very powerful stuff.
Good use of space as well as words.
It was appropriately uncomfortable but not alienating.

A good haunting to it,
Suzanne

[mesmie]

Dante thanks for your considered reply to be honest I took out a verse so I may shove it back on to let you see
again thanks for the time you have taken...much appreciated..


Aru you are too kind but I am well chuffed as this write does hold some meaning for me

Thanks Suz for finding it so..getting that balance is a tricky one!

[mesmie]

well have added some to try to explain a little more of feelings

what do people think? would be interesting.

Cheers mes..