I Wonder

[karalma]

I Wonder

I sit on my home and wonder.
I wonder why as a child I soaked the woes of the world
into the core of me. As I grew I tried to imitate those
around but as I grew my tunnel of despair grew longer.

I longed to leave my cares behind and disappear
to a world where nobody would expect anything of me.
But I couldn’t leave my family for as much as I wanted
to flee I loved them and couldn’t leave them to wonder.

Instead I began a mission. I enlisted the help
of a bottle of Grouse and began a battle with my kin.
As I watched my girls be brave I shrivelled up inside.
I rejoiced as I left them no choice: my wife kicked me out.

I felt my tunnel telescope as I realised I had no
cares in the world, nobody to agonize about, no need
to do the right thing. I slept in parks and never felt
the cold. For the first time in my life I felt whole.

On the streets I learned I could help others without giving
all of me. I cared for runaways with a whisper here,
a coin there and a sign to a different track. But at the
end of the day I only had to find one bench.

I sit on my home every day and wonder
what they are doing now. I wonder if they wonder
where I am now. My tunnel of despair is no longer black.
There are now shades of grey. I wonder would I do more
harm or good If I escaped to the other side?

I sit on my home and wonder
is this now the time to try?

[BenJohnson]

Oh this is so good, I read the first line

I sit on my home and wonder.

and thought that must be a typo, you mean sit at home, then I got to the end and found out what his home is. For a sad tale this is strangely hopeful, the kind heart that even in dispair helps others out.

[Leigh]

If this is a question then I'll try to answer it. I was a child in this family and you should certainly try and regain contact. My father left, or was kicked out and when my mother became ill I had to take his place, to win bread and help my brother, I became my father (in terms of drink and self destruction and I understood why he became the way he was, I pitied him. For years I felt guilt for moving away from home to live my own life, though luckily now my mother and brother now have someone else to look after them. It is never a bad thing to have your father in your life even if it just a phone call at Christmas.

Very powerfull and heart felt write, it seems perhaps you are ready for a change.

[karalma]

thanks guys

Ben I wasn't sure the "on my home" worked. I don't think I can do just sad - I always have to have some hope in there too.

Leigh I'm pleased you felt it was powerful and heart felt as you have been in a similar situation. I haven't personally experienced this but have worked with lots of people who have.

thanks

[arunansu]

Liked the whole. Nothing more to add. Enjoyed S4 the most.
Thanks.