New Horizons

[karalma]

New Horizons

Nerves jangled as rails
Ricocheted away to a new life far away
A decision reached, now reconsidered
Crackling commuters fuelled fear
Mind painted an horizon of surly strangers
Dreams of comfort and security inside a little box.

Soothed by gentle swaying
Bare trees and sheep slipped by
Across the aisle a grin was passed
Icy thoughts began to thaw
Mind painted an horizon of smiling strangers
Dreams of reaching out and finding friends in this new time.

[Danté]

Karalma

I thought you deserved a reply to this before it slips off the board.
You seem to put time in with replies to other work, so lets get this back up where it can be seen.

You have certainly moved away from the prose like approach used in some of your other work that
I have replied to. Plenty of metaphors here, in fact loads of them. I get the impression that the lines
were constructed individually, which might not be the case, but they do seem a little choppy here and
there in respect of the transition from one to another. The repitition of "horizon" seems to work
ok and does not stick out in a bad way, I´m not convinced that it was your only option for inclusion
in the title. It´s not to my mind a bad piece, you could have trimmed the descriptions of your
surroundings and hinted at what is left behind. It´s sometimes good to give the reader something
to grasp in respect of a cause of reactions. "icy thoughts" is a touch cliché and "horizon" is also
very well used, but is a very useful word and is not on its own really worth worrying about.
The sheep also give the piece a bit of an emmerdale feel, considering how many other readily
recognisable items could pass by. I liked th tone of this and in amongst the ornaments I could glean
some feeling, that mostly dealt with your mind set in respect of actually carrying out the actions.
I wanted to look deeper, I hope this helps.

thanks for the read

Danté

[arunansu]

Dante has already given you a vivid review. I feel the title needs a change.
I enjoyed "security inside a little box". Could this be used as a title?
Nice read.

[karalma]

thanks for the replies - very useful as always.

Karalma

I get the impression that the lines were constructed individually, which might not be the case, but they do seem a little choppy here and
there in respect of the transition from one to another.

Danté

I hadn't realised I'd done this but when I thought about it I realised you were right. I will work on some more.

thanks.

[Basnik]

I know this has been done a bit before but why not put more of a movement in the lines to echo the travelling? If you'll forgive the rewrite:

Nerves jangled as rails
Ricocheted away to a new life far away
A decision reached, now reconsidered
Crackling commuters fuelled fear
Mind painted an horizon of surly strangers
Dreams of comfort and security inside a little box.

could be:

Nerves as jangled as the rails
that ricochet to far away
decision reached, now reconsidered
cracked commuters fueling fear
A mind that's painted by surly strangers
dreams of comfort in a little box.

I'm sure it's worse but it does have more of a binary rhythm that underpins the movement of ideas and setting. What do you think?

[Suzanne]

Hi,
I really enjoyed this because it reflects the "moving away" and "moving to " feelings very well.

This is a good piece to work on and polish up. I agree with the other replies
but mostly I wanted to say that it is a great idea and you caught the mood/fear of transition well.
Liked it and liked it.

Warmly,¨
Suzanne

[David]

Hi karalma, I think Tim is right about the choppiness - certainly in the first stanza, it's less apparent in the second one - and Basnik (Basnik?) has given you a pretty good rewrite to work with. I like the repetition of the only slightly changed (but, in meaning, very changed) L5 in each stanza.

I'd just like to comment on that L5 in each stanza, though, in that you start off with "Mind" without either a definite ("the") or indefinite ("a") article. It's something people seem to do a lot, when they're starting out in poetry - I hope you don't mind me saying that - and I always (or almost always) think it looks and sounds clumsy. Something for you to consider, anyway.

In case you're interested, here's a famous description of what can be seen from a train:

An Odeon went past, a cooling tower,
And someone running up to bowl.

Good, no?

Cheers

David

[karalma]

Thanks to everyone for the great advice.

Basnik I liked your rewrite - thanks for taking the time.

. It's something people seem to do a lot, when they're starting out in poetry - I hope you don't mind me saying that -
David

David I don't mind at all - all advice is greatfullly received.

cheers