Poppies

[Suzanne]

Poppies

Coffee brewing triggered
a progression of scrambled
chants and jumbled wishes
for a day yet to come,
a subconscious rite prepared
every morning, to be tossed
in the path of the passing brigade.

Screaming red Mac trucks
billowed dust rumbling past
in formation, poppy seed
packets soaring in crates,
flying to black moist soil,
potential delicate blooms
waiting to be coaxed into life.

Against a dusty brown sky,
vague images of orange hills
fluttered amidst airborne sand,
light floral waves twirled, defusing
hope of coming arrangements, grounding
all longings with the last engine roar.

She took a sip of coffee, peered out
her window scanning the silent street
deciding, tomorrow, she would find
better worded wishes for someone
to notice she was waiting to be coaxed.




-------------------------------
Rewrite

Poppies

Freshly ground coffee brewing triggered
an immediate progression in her mind
of scrambled chants and jumbled wishes
for a day yet to come, a subconscious rite
prepared every morning, to be tossed
in the path of the passing brigade.

Screaming red Mac trucks billowed dust
at precisely nine o'clock, rumbling past
in formation, thousands of poppy seed
packets soaring high in crates, flying
to a horizon of black moist soil, potential
delicate blooms waiting to be coaxed into life.

Against the dusty brown sky, she saw vague
images of orange hills fluttering in airborne
sand, light floral waves twirling, slowly defusing
hopes of coming arrangements, grounding all
longings as the last engine roar was heard.

Disappointed again, she took a sip of coffee,
peered out her window a moment, scanned
the silent street then decided, tomorrow, she
would find better worded wishes, then someone
would notice she was waiting to be coaxed into life.



--------------------------------------------------
Orginal
Fate and destiny

I don't believe
in waiting for fate or destiny,
chance and luck hold no power in my life,

but I do believe that if given the chance
I would climb into that waiting space,
where hopes and dreams are held,
and experience everything
I could get my hands on,

take it, grab it, hold it, touch it,
then with everything in my power,
I would steal it, keep it,
and joyfully share it

with that world that's just waiting
for something pleasant to happen to them.

Come with me.

[Basnik]

Hi Suzanne,

I like the sentiments very much and I think the lines'...if given the chance/I would climb into that waiting space/ where hopes and dreams are held,' are really effective as they give that sense of hope and potential that I feel you are conveying. I do feel, though, that it feels a bit unstructured like cut-up prose, although I guess that's fine if you want that spontaneous feel. I always have a problem with abstract concepts, although I'm not one of those people who feel they should never be dealt with, after all, some of Blake's best poetry deals with purely abstract concepts.

[Danté]

Suzanne

I like the idea you are using in this piece. I think you missed out on an opportunity in a couple of areas in the poem to have included some imagery that could engage the readers senses. Words like, experience and everything say nothing and are akin to bubbles that pop and are hollow in the middle. Where as a couple of tight descriptions allow the reader to visualise, hear, smell or taste and actually experience something themselves.

“I would climb into that waiting space,” Lines of this nature tell me what you would do, but do not steer me towards an impression of what that space might be like.
One or two modifiers would make a big difference.

I also felt the closing lines might benefit from a small tweak.

“with that world that's just waiting
for something pleasant to happen to them.”

It felt a little awkward having “world” singular and then the “them” which implies multiple. One could argue that world implies the occupants, but which ones?

Aside from that, the thought processes are concise, but alone do come across like you are simply telling me your thoughts. I would really like to see a singing and dancing version of this. Hope that helps.

All the best

Tim

[David]

I would really like to see a singing and dancing version of this.

I like the sound of that!

[Suzanne]

Marvelously fun idea!
Thank you, Gentlemen!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I will go take your advice, just hold on a minute while I get things ready.

I'll be back!
Suzanne

[karalma]

I really enjoyed this Suzanne. I liked the idea of climbing into a space where dreams are held and definately wanted to come with you. I can see how some added imagery might enhance this piece but I enjoyed using my imagination and picturing the place for myself.

cheers

[Suzanne]

Thank you Karalma,
I am glad that you enjoyed it. I am working on the revision and hope that you'll stop by for that, too! There may even be dancing. lol.
I've got an idea......... Suzanne

[Suzanne]

Well, okay....
This is my song and dance version. How did i do?
While I have kept nothing of the original , it is the poem that I would have written the first time if I knew how.
Maybe it makes sense, the flow of things.?

Suzanne

[Lovely]

The kind and good structured crits says it all nearly, the only thing remains for me to say is-----brilliant!

DJL

[backinblack]

Hi, much enjoyed by me.
I thought the images were good and also in depth.
Good structure and flow to it, an overall good write.
Thanks for the read.

B.

[Danté]

Suzanne

This is certainly a major revsion of the original piece.
I'm guessing that most readers will see red poppies, a good association mechanism in giving the truck
a colour in proximity. There are a lot of very good visuals, I have to say I think you could trim this
a little, things like, freshly ground coffee, ground coffee probably covers it.
Putting a figure on the number of poppy seeds, I think that the fact there are crates of them, is
sifficient to allow the reader to grasp a large number of them.
It is just little things of this nature which are not really needed that make some poems seem a little
bloated, and dilute the progression of thoughts as one reads through the piece.
The crux of the poem has been maintained in th re-write, and it certainly goes far beyond the simply
saying what's what in the original piece.
The next sip of coffee, brackets the events and thoughts very well, I really like that.
There s a lot to like here, and the more one reads the greater the reward, as there is a great
portrayal of real emotion going on here, that would see a little more light with the small trim
I already mentioned. So yes, I think you have come a long way in showing more in the poem
than you dd in the original. Dissapointed, what are the symptoms?
A few things you might wish to think about, or not as the case migt be.
I really like this piece, either ways, the feelings are apparent.

Many thanks

Tim

[mesmie]

Suz

This is a def feel good poem for me and ditto all the other replies and comments made..You have worked this one well to my mind

warmly
mes

[Jasper]

Hey S

Just out of interest sake, imagine S3 were removed. Do you think it'd be missed?

I like the idea of how she sits around sipping grinds while waiting for someone else/other to make her dreams come true (Deja Vous, 'Something for Kate"...a cool Aussie Band btw)

I don't much like the repeat of being coaxed into life in the finale. I mean, I think then someone would notice her too might work better as a more stagnant contrast rather than being shared/in common ... she's isolated, the trucks (and loads) are mobile!

I'd compact it and allow the readers mind to breathe wherever it may wish throughout the piece. And yes, it may seem a little abstract/subjective as such... but then nothing's ever certain in this regards - eh?

Fresh grinds trigger
this progression of her mind.
A scramble of chants
and jumble sales
for the Day's yet to come.

J

[arunansu]

Suzanne, great revise, great stuff. Now I think a little trimming is necessary! Oops!
Carry on!

"to be tossed
in the path of the passing brigade" - my favourite.

[Suzanne]

Lovely and BinB,
thank you for the positive feedback. It is nice to read and we all agree it feels good to have someone enjoy what we have written. Thanks.

Tim,
You crits are always insightful and throw some spark under me to rewrite what I thought was done. I have trimmed and agree with most of your points. I am tickled that this song and dance routine seems to have done what you (and David) had challenged. Your detailed comments are appreicated. Come again!

"Dissapointed, what are the symptoms? " made me laugh, it is a funny little phrase...


Jasper,
I can understand what you mean about S3 but I wanted it to have the implication that there are actual schemes, images and visions being made my our clay footed female. She is spending energy on detailed plans but no energy on finding out how to move forward. I took out half of the repetition and wonder if you found that to do the trick?


Mesmie and Aru,
Thanks for the postive encouragment. It is trimmed and tighter, I hope.
It is always a pleasure hearing your comments. What fun that you read the original when I thought it was a poem, lol.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Jasper]

Actual schemes? They're like plans, right?
Never had one btw, so everything remains new to me.
The piece tenors helplessness IMO... all she has is hope!
I'd like her to come across as less calculating is all!

Am also wondering about Mac trucks as just Mac's...you know, them teamsters of those golden arcs/archers *smirk*

Such a piece encumbers more by leading the reader into lulls, rather than steering them with/in clear directions, me thinks! And as such I think the original to be better in these regards.

J

[Elphin]

I can see how you have moved forward suzanne but dont lose this line and this idea

if given the chance
I would climb into that waiting space,
where hopes and dreams are held

You could head off into a wonderland from here.

I think your rewrite is largely successful altho I do hope you lose fate and destiny from the title. I have a few observations

coffee brewing - an overused image, is there something more interesting. I dunno eggs scrambling??

I think Jasper may have a point about s3 - the build up is punctuated by it and Im not so sure it adds anything.

maybe too many adjectives - red Mac, black moist, potential delicate etc.

maybe a general tendency to excess. For example

She took a sip of coffee, peered out
her window scanning the silent street

could be

She scanned the silent street

and do you need "prepared every morning in s1" as with the right image morning is implied.

You use coaxed twice in s2 and s4 - keep it in s4 as I like that as a closing line.

I have focused on the crit side as I know that what you want. As a general observation I would say you have worked hard to turn this poem but I think thats a hard task. Its not at all bad but it doesnt have the vibrancy or the voice of your other work like Fresh Eggs or the Farmyard one.

hope thats some help - it does come over negative and I dont like to be that but good writers need more than bland well dones.

elph

[Lovely]

I'm not sure with the re-edit here as it read well first time round so had to read it again with new version. To be honest, I
prefered the first edition but that's just me I guess.

Have you read any of Whitman's works "leaves" he spent nearly (all his life) on re-edits. Though they seemed (best sellers) first time round.

Strange this. Wonder if someone can give any feed back on this subject of too much edit maybe? There is a wisdom to it of course
but when do you say enough is enough, or when should one know when to stop-- it can lead to confusions---- the poor artist struggling
with crits can become confused to much though on the whole crits are needed, for good balance and observation of course.

Of course if something is wrong (glaringly) the edit has its virtue, but I fear to much can lead to chaos and confusion when
the balance isn't metered out equally for the artist within. It is a personal point though don't take it that bad for the work you
have given is good overall----and I know it is not always that easy to write good poetry without the opium effect in the self.
"Ancient Mariner" comes to mind, Coldridge, wrote that piece in three days and never touched it again withdrawals and all.
So I suppose it has something to do with confidence in what you want to say and need to; for one's integrity as an artist.



A rose is a rose by anyother name perhaps. Have a look at "leaves" and tell me what you feel about this. Eye openers perhaps.

All zzzz best.

DJL

[Suzanne]

Jasper, Elphin and Lovely,

Thank you stopping in again with your comments. It is very helpful and AGAIN! I've learned something about rewriting. It is amzing how fickle I feel when editing but as time goes by, I change back into my own skin.

The comments made about my edit and overall rewrite have been rewarding. If I do not take every point to rewrite this poem, I will use the ideas and the encouargement on the next ones that I write. The skills I can learn and you have taught last longer than the words I put together in one poem.

My biggest wrestle with the crits is in S3, I believe that if I was saying it better, differently, I would have you with me on the ride through the poem. I do not think that it is the inclusion that is the problem, it is in the writing of it.

elph, I fully enjoyed your deep crit and, although it was tough, it was well appreicated, and exactly what I asked for. Thanks.

and, with a smirk, I say.... "Screaming red Mac trucks billowed dust" is a perfect turn of phrase to my American ears, wouldn't change it.
It would take a Screaming red Mac truck DRIVER, who knew how to billow my dust, to make me change my mind it. lol. I have my prefered quirks.

Very warmly,
Suzanne