The note left by a cloud

[arunansu]

I twirl with a newfound breeze. Let me airdrop
a few crumbs of my infatuation
on your bald terrace. You’d munch through
a humdrum breakfast, I shall kiss the snows
of Mt. Kiliminjaro.

You might get the news of a rainfall in Sahara.

[karalma]

I liked the overall feel of this. I love the way you say so much in a few lines. "Bald" didn't seem quite right to me but not sure why. "You'd munch through a humdrum breakfast" also seemed out of place but maybe I'm missing something.

Thanks for sharing. My aim is to try and tighten up what I say as you are so good at it.

[Danté]

Aru

You have a lot going on here.
I also pondered "bald" and wondered if sprinkle might add to the, I sounds that are present when
reading the poem aloud. "bare" would then act as a hook the swing the vowell sound and lead well
in to the, U sounds that occur afterwards. I really enjoyed the relation between kissing the snows
and the rainfall in Sahara, very good. I took the humdrum to imply that N, feels that the recipient
has some profound quality that is shown by that contrast, albeit in a very subtle, understated way.

great read

thanks

Danté

[arunansu]

Thanks dear Tim and Karalma.
I feel sprinkle doesn't go well with "crumbs". I also thought the word "airdrop" may sound better, specially with a title like this. Regarding the "bald terrace" or "bare terrace" , I would say there is a sense of loss (smiles!) with "bald"!!! A nice polished surface, perfect for landing !

[Suzanne]

Aru,
I liked the light feel of this. I pictured a bald terrace as you described so that worked for me. I also liked the contrast of the snow kiss and the rainfall. Very nice.
Suzanne

[mesmie]

aru

what a vision you conjured up for me. Bald brings in the masculine (mostly, except for one poor lady hairdresser I once knew!) and that is what I believe your intention was (?) to ground the poem the take us back up to the summit...anyways I ramble save to say I so enjoyed this.

thanks for the read


mes