Hidden Talent
A company was hit by recession
with a chance to win a contract
the client wanted an ad about Mars
and didn’t care what cost.
The chief exec gathered the company
and told them they needed to win
he asked if anybody knew
their way around the stars.
A cleaner by day, an astronomer by night
tried to express his ideas
but reading heavens was easier than words
nobody wanted to listen.
The design that won was given by
a charismatic and persuasive speaker
who said exactly what the team wanted to hear
but who knew nothing of planets.
The company valued clever prose
and outer appearances
over specialist knowledge and skill.
The company closed.
Hidden Talent
Karalma
I am wondering if you are posting your work in the order it is written, as your other recent posts show
an appetite for imagery that is not present in this piece. It is natural to explore dfifferent ways of
communicating ideas when working with poetry to hone different elements of the whole writing package.
I liked some of the ideas in this, but also found it to lack much in the way of poetic devices.
It goes to show your openess to try a variation of styles, and now you have some feedback to evalute
and move on to the next, having explored and learned something.
thanks
Danté
I am wondering if you are posting your work in the order it is written, as your other recent posts show
an appetite for imagery that is not present in this piece. It is natural to explore dfifferent ways of
communicating ideas when working with poetry to hone different elements of the whole writing package.
I liked some of the ideas in this, but also found it to lack much in the way of poetic devices.
It goes to show your openess to try a variation of styles, and now you have some feedback to evalute
and move on to the next, having explored and learned something.
thanks
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Dear K,
I loved your poem and played with it, made some changes:-
A company was hit by recession
with a chance to win a contract
the client wanted an ad about Mars.
The chief exec gathered the company
and asked if anybody knew
their way around the stars.
A cleaner by day, an astronomer by night
tried to express his ideas
but reading heavens was easier
than words.
The design that won was given by
a charismatic and persuasive speaker
who said exactly what the team wanted to hear
but who knew nothing of planets.
The company valued clever prose
and outer appearances over skill.
The company closed.
- Is the flow any better now?
I loved your poem and played with it, made some changes:-
A company was hit by recession
with a chance to win a contract
the client wanted an ad about Mars.
The chief exec gathered the company
and asked if anybody knew
their way around the stars.
A cleaner by day, an astronomer by night
tried to express his ideas
but reading heavens was easier
than words.
The design that won was given by
a charismatic and persuasive speaker
who said exactly what the team wanted to hear
but who knew nothing of planets.
The company valued clever prose
and outer appearances over skill.
The company closed.
- Is the flow any better now?
thanks everyone for the suggestions.
Dante yes I have posted in the order I've written but I did realise with this one that I had gone back a little to the style I had at the beginning. I think I was thinking too much of the message I wanted to convey rather than the style I was using. I am also trying different things and all of the feedback is of great value.
thanks again
Dante yes I have posted in the order I've written but I did realise with this one that I had gone back a little to the style I had at the beginning. I think I was thinking too much of the message I wanted to convey rather than the style I was using. I am also trying different things and all of the feedback is of great value.
thanks again
-
mesmie
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Some good and interesting ideas within K.
I too loose poetic quality in my haste to tell, this a thing that most do at some time or another.
Aru has some good suggestions above. It will be interesting to see what you do with this one.
mes
I too loose poetic quality in my haste to tell, this a thing that most do at some time or another.
Aru has some good suggestions above. It will be interesting to see what you do with this one.
mes
-
catastrotopia
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2007 2:41 am
- Location: Arlington, VA
hi kar,
as said by others, i think this one has great potential as an concept, maybe could just use a little more time in the oven to get some of the more emotional aspects a chance to pop and get the reader to connect with what the characters are feeling?
the recession -- can you emphasize the desperation of the company's situation?
the cleaner/astronomer -- why the passion for the stars?
his rejection, the company's failure -- help us connect to the regret/frustration
great idea though, keep at it.
-c
as said by others, i think this one has great potential as an concept, maybe could just use a little more time in the oven to get some of the more emotional aspects a chance to pop and get the reader to connect with what the characters are feeling?
the recession -- can you emphasize the desperation of the company's situation?
the cleaner/astronomer -- why the passion for the stars?
his rejection, the company's failure -- help us connect to the regret/frustration
great idea though, keep at it.
-c