Gem
Years spent seeking, a rare
and precious gem; revealed
upon a rugged path
a myriad of colour
lies within a sliver of glass
reflected from above.
Gem
-
oranggunung
- Preponderant Poster
- Posts: 1393
- Joined: Tue Apr 10, 2007 9:15 pm
- Location: Dublin, Ireland
Karalma
I like this condensed style, but I think the selection of the words is all the more important when there are so few of them. However I try, I can’t read the poem as one sentence. Could you address this?
With a little rearrangement it could be two sentences (see below), but that might change your intention. Perhaps that might help you think what you want the poem to say.
Years spent seeking a rare
and precious gem.
Revealed upon a rugged path;
a myriad of colour
within a sliver of glass,
reflected from above.
Having separated the two ideas, there appears to be a discontinuity between them. So, again, perhaps the condensation process has gone a little too far. Personally, I would prefer a slightly smoother transition.
With ‘Gem’ as the title, I don’t think you need to use that word in the poem itself. The language is rich with direct and indirect allusions to gems. I’m sure you could find a more interesting alternative in the poem.
Please don’t be distressed by this forensic examination. It’s what happens when I find a poem interesting; I start investigating the fine details in fine detail.
Hope you might consider a revision
og
I like this condensed style, but I think the selection of the words is all the more important when there are so few of them. However I try, I can’t read the poem as one sentence. Could you address this?
With a little rearrangement it could be two sentences (see below), but that might change your intention. Perhaps that might help you think what you want the poem to say.
Years spent seeking a rare
and precious gem.
Revealed upon a rugged path;
a myriad of colour
within a sliver of glass,
reflected from above.
Having separated the two ideas, there appears to be a discontinuity between them. So, again, perhaps the condensation process has gone a little too far. Personally, I would prefer a slightly smoother transition.
With ‘Gem’ as the title, I don’t think you need to use that word in the poem itself. The language is rich with direct and indirect allusions to gems. I’m sure you could find a more interesting alternative in the poem.
Please don’t be distressed by this forensic examination. It’s what happens when I find a poem interesting; I start investigating the fine details in fine detail.
Hope you might consider a revision
og
Hi karalma
A neat little verse and a neat idea if I am reading it properly. I agree with og that the current construction obscures what I believe you are saying. I'll offer you a suggestion, if thats OK
Years spent seeking
a rare and precious gem
revealed upon a rugged path
a myriad of colour,
reflected from above,
within a sliver of glass.
good work
elph
A neat little verse and a neat idea if I am reading it properly. I agree with og that the current construction obscures what I believe you are saying. I'll offer you a suggestion, if thats OK
Years spent seeking
a rare and precious gem
revealed upon a rugged path
a myriad of colour,
reflected from above,
within a sliver of glass.
good work
elph
Liked the idea behind this. I have to second Og regarding his views about your poem. Suggestions by Og and Elphin will help you smoothen the piece. Could the title be "Reflections"?
Cheers.
Cheers.