Terrace-poem

[arunansu]

I stare blankly at nearby buildings,
try to scrutinize their architecture.
The palpable excitement of a city
echoes through the mist.

I’m like the trunk of an old chestnut tree.
Branches rising from my head
search for free oxygen. One woodpecker
maintains its daily schedule.


*'for' inserted in S2L3

[thoke]

This is okay. It's nice and neat, the line breaks are all in the right place. But the language seems a bit (for want of a better word) executive. It's too much like an essay. The very last line is pretty bland.

I think you've flouted the "show don't tell" rule: you've explained a situation quite clearly, whereas in creative writing it's usually best to suggest what the situation is like, using imagery, metaphor etc. You've got a chestnut tree simile in the second stanza, but I can't say I really understood it. Don't trees search for CO2 rather than oxygen?

You're clearly good at forming sentences, though. I said this was too much like an essay, but I do mean a well-written essay, if that's any consolation.

Ben

[arunansu]

Thanks Thoke for stopping by and sharing your thoughts on this.
Cheers.

[Danté]

Aru

I liked this, and having no work today, the rare luxury of crawling from bed when I feel like it has probably influenced how I read the piece. I took the images in S2 to mean, as you said “like the trunk” and not actually being the trunk. The branches gave me an image of arms stretched as one might when yawning, and the woodpecker to be an alarm clock. Am I somewhere near?

Many thanks

Tim

[arunansu]

"I took the images in S2 to mean, as you said “like the trunk” and not actually being the trunk. The branches gave me an image of arms stretched as one might when yawning"
- You have caught me!

"woodpecker to be an alarm clock" - I appreciate your imagination, Tim, yet this was not in my mind.

[Suzanne]

"The palpable excitement of a city
echoes through the mist. "

Hi Aru,
I loved the line I quoted up there. Nice.
Enjoyed the whole thing, especially the woodpecker.
I have one who clangs the metal casing of a lampost every moring in the spring. He keeps his routine as well.

Thanks,
Suzanne

[RedStone]

I enjoyed the read, it reminded me of when i usually stop and stare at something with a interest, a past, a purpose
that has become aged, some meanings deeper than most see in most things, keep up the writing.

RedStone

[Lake]

Hi arunansu,

It is a neat and compact poem. I understand S2 as the speaker feels like a tree whose branches reaching for CO2, but the speaker reaches for oxygen. But the way you worded it does confuse me a little.

Thanks for the read.

Lake

[arunansu]

Thank you Suzanne, RedStone and Lake. My thought behind this one was to speak of a poet in search of new ideas ( "free" oxygen!). Scientinfically CO2 is "combined " form of oxygen!Smiles. The woodpecker may well be the urge for creativity.