Eddie was always a thin
frayed rope of a child.
Skin groaned under protest
at puberty's speedy skeletal process
as railway routes were laid
across his back.
His mother clucked,
"Eddie owns the neck of a corpse".
I remember FA cup ears,
wing nuts with little red veins.
His mother flapped. "Our Eddies lugs."
When bitten by a rat at dusk,
laughed. "it's always you."
And it always was him,
the easy target, an easy joke
that wore him down, filled him up
with something else,
Eddie died of suicide, abroad somewhere.
Revision
Eddie C
Eddie always was a thin frayed rope.
Skin groaned under protest
at such a speedy skeletal process
as railway routes were laid
across his back.
His mother clucked,
"Eddie owns the neck of a corpse".
I remember FA cup ears,
wing nuts with little red veins.
His mother flapped, "our Eddies lugs "
When bitten by a rat at dusk,
laughed "it's always you".
And it always was.
Eddie C (Revised)
This really pulled me along with it. I enjoyed the first 3 S as i built up a picture of a loveable character. S4 & 5 then made me feel uncomfortable as it was clear that what appeared as gentle teasing meant a lot more to Eddie and I felt I'd been part of the teasing. Very well written.
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mesmie
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hiyas
many thanks for that for this is a true tale..and much to my dismay I was part of that teasing too..He committed suicide when in his twenties and I only heard of it last year! again thanks for the reply
mes
many thanks for that for this is a true tale..and much to my dismay I was part of that teasing too..He committed suicide when in his twenties and I only heard of it last year! again thanks for the reply
mes
mesmie
A lot to think about in respect of the subject here. I think the story can apply to a variety of things
that kids and adults pick upon in the way of physical characteristics that an individual might have.
I was often called a stick insect and such like when I was a child, but had my mind preocupied with
so much other stuff that it went over my head to great extent. I know a couple of kids did take
similar routes to the one desribed here, and others that became much stronger because of those
experiences. This was a well put together reminder of the way some people are destroyed by such
traits being the constant target of negative attention. My only very small nit, is line four, where I felt
that you could have said things in a slightly more straightforward way. I could just be me, the image
seemed to allude to something that went beyond just being very skinny and made me think of a spinal
condition of some kind, it was just a flash, but did just make me dwell a little while getting things
clear in my mind.
really enjoyed this
thanks
Tim
A lot to think about in respect of the subject here. I think the story can apply to a variety of things
that kids and adults pick upon in the way of physical characteristics that an individual might have.
I was often called a stick insect and such like when I was a child, but had my mind preocupied with
so much other stuff that it went over my head to great extent. I know a couple of kids did take
similar routes to the one desribed here, and others that became much stronger because of those
experiences. This was a well put together reminder of the way some people are destroyed by such
traits being the constant target of negative attention. My only very small nit, is line four, where I felt
that you could have said things in a slightly more straightforward way. I could just be me, the image
seemed to allude to something that went beyond just being very skinny and made me think of a spinal
condition of some kind, it was just a flash, but did just make me dwell a little while getting things
clear in my mind.
really enjoyed this
thanks
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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mesmie
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- Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:21 pm
- Location: North West UK
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Ok Dante
Thanks for you thoughts on this I have changed that line and added puberty.
Yeah, even if I was not one of the main culprits I did nothing to stop the bullying..so I am just as guilty as the rest.
Children can be so cruel, adults more so.
ps I was specky four eyes..I didn't bother me, they were a shield and I hid behind them many a time.
Thanks again for your interest.
mes
Thanks for you thoughts on this I have changed that line and added puberty.
Yeah, even if I was not one of the main culprits I did nothing to stop the bullying..so I am just as guilty as the rest.
Children can be so cruel, adults more so.
ps I was specky four eyes..I didn't bother me, they were a shield and I hid behind them many a time.
Thanks again for your interest.
mes
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Suzanne
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Mesmie,
This was very enjoyable. The ending was very well said and left me in a empathic state of mind.
It was a rich poem that brought to mind images of childhood for me, reminded me of people I have not thought of for years.
Thank you for posting it, it was very good. Suzanne
This was very enjoyable. The ending was very well said and left me in a empathic state of mind.
It was a rich poem that brought to mind images of childhood for me, reminded me of people I have not thought of for years.
Thank you for posting it, it was very good. Suzanne
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catastrotopia
- Posts: 36
- Joined: Thu Sep 27, 2007 2:41 am
- Location: Arlington, VA
hi mes,
great work! the descriptive imagery pulled me in & kept me engaged, especially as i think of my stringy 11 year old friend who has bully issues.
liked the verb choices too: "skin groaned" "mother clucked" and "flapped." Oh, the fussy mother hen who doesn't really get it.
i enjoyed the revision of the ending, as i agree with David that the first one seemed a bit over the top, although i wonder if there is some middle ground between your first & second versions -- an equally abrupt way of making sure the reader knows what really happened to Eddie...
-c
great work! the descriptive imagery pulled me in & kept me engaged, especially as i think of my stringy 11 year old friend who has bully issues.
liked the verb choices too: "skin groaned" "mother clucked" and "flapped." Oh, the fussy mother hen who doesn't really get it.
i enjoyed the revision of the ending, as i agree with David that the first one seemed a bit over the top, although i wonder if there is some middle ground between your first & second versions -- an equally abrupt way of making sure the reader knows what really happened to Eddie...
-c
