The prison drama- edit

[Suzanne]

The prison drama

Suffocating in my
self-imposed prison
surveying escape options,
I'm discovering

abstract barriers
methodically placed,
crafted of twisted wisdom
and spiked with dead flies.

Untangling mounds
of imploded debris,
it is clear, I'm both warden
and master builder.


_________
edit- removed "own" from L2
swapped "spiked" for "laced" in L8
"flies" for "bugs"

[R. Broath]

Lovely finish, Suzanne. The gentle pace of this suits the interior monologue technique. Only suggestions are; maybe cut the 'own' before 'self-imposed' and perhaps a more robust word here,

and laced with dead bugs.

Maybe ' studded with dead bugs' would give a more visual image.

Like this and feel it could be improved with a few tweaks.

Jimmy

[Suzanne]

Thanks Jimmy,
Good suggestions.
I have removed "own" and .. how about spiked with dead flies. lol. Such a lovely image, isn't it?

Suzanne

[arunansu]

This is another gem of a write, Suzanne.

"abstract barriers
methodically placed,
crafted of twisted wisdom
and spiked with dead bugs."
-loved this part. Great imagery.

[R. Broath]

Remarkable how a couple of words gives the whole a much more satisfying feel, isn't it? Good work to start with, Suzanne, and even better now, in my opinion.
The 'spiked with dead flies' image is lovely in the sense that it brings to the mind's eye the withered wishes and abandoned hopes of the narrator.

Jimmy

[mesmie]

hiya suz

that last stanza stood out on its own for me..

good work missis..

mes