t's about my dear old going to work bike (twab To Work And Back)
Twab's Day
The patchy chippings please my heavy humming tyres
Nightly for many years we have rode 'our' road
His legs pulse my tubular steel frame and I compliantly spring
Going home is what matters most to me, a sudden hesitancy. Then I feel my chain bite, snicking gears and half forgotten joys come as big ring howls: crank bait.
A metallic beating mass is rising, sinews tighten, cables shift and sprockets growl.
The brute force is now measured and my instruction is clear;
Hammer Anvil hard, white sweat in red mist we fly
toward a rolling block of ego's on black carbon beasts: splashed in jersyes that wail "He is not this"
Tuesdays chaingang and we're on, an exhausted lull,his heart still booms hammer hard through my every joint.
he grabs the scruff of my bars and we go...he daren't look around as the road is ours again.
He hears clicking and cursing fall back and my chain bites harder on now black oiled sprockets.
The hill before we turn is no hill: it is to become a monument over silent shame.
We turn and deliver a final silent message 'our' road.
he hears a gasp "Do you race?"
"Yes, on our road"
Twab's Day
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Tramontane
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words still breathe long after the impulse's breath
Tramontane
Welcome to the board.
I enjoyed this with its rich content and array of images.
The formatting is possibly a slight hindrance in the poem's delivery, as you have it laid out in a very open way which makes it look quite vast.
Not a criticism as such as we are all free to lay out our words as we please.
Personally I’d work on the line breaks and do away with the double spacing, and perhaps tighten it up a little as you see fit.
You do have some good stuff here, I certainly enjoyed the journey and look forward
reading more of your words in the not too distant.
Regards
Danté
Welcome to the board.
I enjoyed this with its rich content and array of images.
The formatting is possibly a slight hindrance in the poem's delivery, as you have it laid out in a very open way which makes it look quite vast.
Not a criticism as such as we are all free to lay out our words as we please.
Personally I’d work on the line breaks and do away with the double spacing, and perhaps tighten it up a little as you see fit.
You do have some good stuff here, I certainly enjoyed the journey and look forward
reading more of your words in the not too distant.
Regards
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
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Tramontane
- Posts: 14
- Joined: Thu Feb 12, 2009 8:38 am
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- Location: with a mouse in my palm
Hi Danté,
thanks for your welcome and also your comments.I agree with your comments re the layout and spacing.luckily it came out as I wrote it then my wife typed it up as i'm one fingered -not literally.I should pay more attention to the delivery and presentation,(my grammar is awful)
the piece is a bit cyclist jargonised though sport is a great subject for poetry esp the characters within it.
I really enjoyed writing it as it's nice for the trusted inanimate objects in our life to have soul-I'm certain they do
thanks for your welcome and also your comments.I agree with your comments re the layout and spacing.luckily it came out as I wrote it then my wife typed it up as i'm one fingered -not literally.I should pay more attention to the delivery and presentation,(my grammar is awful)
the piece is a bit cyclist jargonised though sport is a great subject for poetry esp the characters within it.
I really enjoyed writing it as it's nice for the trusted inanimate objects in our life to have soul-I'm certain they do
words still breathe long after the impulse's breath
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mesmie
- Prolific Poster
- Posts: 722
- Joined: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:21 pm
- Location: North West UK
- Contact:
Tramontane
Super first post..welcome
I really enjoy the personalisation of things, you fill your poem with some great images and as I would require an oxygen cylinder on the back of any bike I rode, I was very impressed at your persistence!
neat write.
mes
Super first post..welcome
I really enjoy the personalisation of things, you fill your poem with some great images and as I would require an oxygen cylinder on the back of any bike I rode, I was very impressed at your persistence!
neat write.
mes