Swanning Off

[Lovely]

In the misty morning
by the rustling trees,
a swan came a swanning
to bless the morning breeze.

Like gold which lays in rivers
where venus shone her light,
my heart it did not dither
for one so bright and white;

By grace of God her motion
and the fairy mist did sparkle,
she only wanted room
to unfold her wings apart.


Her love, so well it wept,
so sad, yet so beautiful,
as all her signets slept
beneath her warming plumes;


My heart was blurred for gladness
her dulcet tones delivered,
one to one our wings
along the swanny river.

[David]

It's verrrry old-fashioned, and the rhymes are a little dodgy in places, but it warmed my old-fashioned heart.

Cheers

David

[Cryptic Cadence]

It seemed like you had a little trouble with some of the rhymes like David said, but this was a good poem. I certainly like the use of old fashioned words like "dither", I look forward to reading poems like this, but it may not strike a chord with everyone since this is a contemporary forum. Did you have another meaning to this than just the swan love? In fact the rhyming nature and the interesting little story you got there almost made me miss the cliches, almost

Perhaps you meant 'heart was blurred with gladness'? - You come up with some very interesting phrases

Cheers

[arunansu]

I might have chopped S3 off! I second my earlier critics, but like to add I really liked the last strophe, specially the last two lines. Best of luck for a revision.

[indolentchild]

I like some of the images this poem conjures up in my mind. Some I thought were a little cheesy and possibly too descriptive. What I mean by this is when I had read the poem I was told what to see rather than allow my own imagination to build her own images. I am very new to poetry so I can only offer what I like and dislike. I like it and commend the old school feel to the poem.

L

[Jasper]

I enjoyed this,L!
But I wonder why you held back as it feels restrained/choppy in the rhythm!
Meter it too I reckon

You

J

[mesmie]

In the misty morning
by the rustling trees,
a swan came a swanning
to bless the morning breeze.

Like gold which lays in rivers
where venus shone her light,
my heart it did not dither
for one so bright and white;

This felt good to read Lovely..others have offered crit but wanted to say I enjoyed

thanks
mes

[Danté]

Hi lovely

I see you have enough suggestions to ponder already.
The tone of this is very endearing, especially when read aloud.
I thought your control of lines to be tighter than some of your earlier posts
which seemed to slip away and gain a momentum of their own.
I like the meter approach that you have used in other posts, and personally
with this piece think that, that approach would have convoluted the lines
to the detriment of the poem unless you were to find additional material
to weave into this. Personal preference I guess, although I do enjoy
meter and rhyme when it is well polished.

an enjoyable piece

regards

Danté