And this was a civilization
That came to nothing--he spurned with his toe
The slave-coloured dust. We breathed it in
Thankfully, oxygen to our culture.
Somebody found a curved bone
In the ruins. A kings probably,
He said. Imperfect courtiers
We eyed it, the dropped kerchief of time.
These ruins
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Cryptic Cadence
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Hi moondrifter,
Thankfully you kept this short because I didn't quite like the way it started, and the way you went about phrasing this. Not a big fan of capitalizing every single word that doesn't need to be, it makes it quite difficult to read, unless you want to achieve something specifically in the poem which I don't think you were intending.
Despite that, you have some colourful lines like "The slave-coloured dust. We breathed it in Thankfully, oxygen to our culture.", which I thought was a great way of describing this so-called dust. I got the feeling that the imperfect courtiers were us, assessing each and everything, was the kerchief the curved bone? Note, it should be "A king's probably".
Cheers
Thankfully you kept this short because I didn't quite like the way it started, and the way you went about phrasing this. Not a big fan of capitalizing every single word that doesn't need to be, it makes it quite difficult to read, unless you want to achieve something specifically in the poem which I don't think you were intending.
Despite that, you have some colourful lines like "The slave-coloured dust. We breathed it in Thankfully, oxygen to our culture.", which I thought was a great way of describing this so-called dust. I got the feeling that the imperfect courtiers were us, assessing each and everything, was the kerchief the curved bone? Note, it should be "A king's probably".
Cheers
"Oxygen to our culture", breathing life again, "civilisation in ruins" change, some good ideas here needs a bit more construction as what you
want to say.
Good idea if you look at others comments and works to give you better deliverence.
Thanks for the interesting read.
DJL
want to say.
Good idea if you look at others comments and works to give you better deliverence.
Thanks for the interesting read.
DJL
The ideas are interesting, but not quite sure if you should begin a poem with "And".
"That came to nothing--he spurned with his toe
The slave-coloured dust. We breathed it in
Thankfully, oxygen to our culture. "
- Again, lovely phrases, but a bit incoherent, at least to me.
Better luck with a revision.
"That came to nothing--he spurned with his toe
The slave-coloured dust. We breathed it in
Thankfully, oxygen to our culture. "
- Again, lovely phrases, but a bit incoherent, at least to me.
Better luck with a revision.
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backinblack
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Hi, I thought this had alot of good raw material and some interesting visuals.
I didn't like the "And" at the start much either, so perhaps revise it,but it's your write and your call.
I think flow wise it was a bit out, but some nice lines in there all the same.
BinB.
I didn't like the "And" at the start much either, so perhaps revise it,but it's your write and your call.
I think flow wise it was a bit out, but some nice lines in there all the same.
BinB.
Poems everybody...poems.. the laddie fancies himself a poet!..Pink Floyd-The wall.