Sunlight in a Cafeteria

[John G]

(never tried this before - a poem based in an image so here goes.....)


A 50’s mid day sun
shines indifferently
through the over sized pan of glass.

The cafeteria is empty, save two lonely souls
that are eating up sad minutes.

Small flecks of dust are held,
spellbound,
in the afternoon rays.

A forlorn salt shaker stands, casting shadows
over the back of the pepper mill

XX

He has thought about his opening
gambit again and again,
his cigarette twitches in a nervous hand

Her eyes, unsettled, investigate the skin on
her arm as
her coffee grows cold

They have nothing in common,
save the place and time
and the view across Main Street.

[jazziwoz]

I thought this started off very well a strong sense of being there soaking up the sights then with the xx i sort of lost the way a bit but thought the ending was strong again well done - nice idea

[Lovely]

It's cool, I like the image here you give with it...quite special and I felt it. I would like to go there for a coffee please. Great projection.

Thanks very much.

DJL

[swoosh]

hey,

felt the sunrays coming through the window as I read. didnt know what the xx was but it finished well.

Enjoyed

S

[Jasper]

A 50’s mid day sun
shines indifferently
through the over sized pan of glass.

The cafeteria is empty, save two lonely souls
that are eating up sad minutes.

Small flecks of dust are held,
spellbound,
in the afternoon rays.

A forlorn salt shaker stands, casting shadows
over the back of the pepper mill

Fine concept this. But these melting moments are difficult to write, let alone get just right...and this is a fine draft.

The 50’s mid day sun... The encumbers the targets age as well as daily temper.
shines indifferently
over sized pans of glass/silica.... works both on the setting and the mindset of the subjects presented here. Possibly even their physical assets (surgical enhancements)... reads like a pizza lol

I'd even cut the final two lines and allow the reader to make up their own minds about what's really going down (or choking) here! But then that's just me and I like to torture my readers (rays/raise)

I don't like your title btw.

J

[nar]

Hi, John.

Yeah, I'm with the others... this is pretty cool.

I'd be tempted to trim down this:

The cafeteria is empty, save two lonely souls
that are eating up sad minutes.

The XX threw me... I don't know why it's there. Me being dense nodoubt.

Other than that, I like it. A nicely painted piccy.

Cheers,

- Neil.

[Danté]

John

I hope you keep at it, exploring an image as this shows promise.
There are one or two missed opportunities where expanding the image could have added a greater interest in the overall subject. “Lonely” is a bit flat and predictable and was to my mind an opportunity to add some tasty flavours to the characters.
It’s often a case of knowing what to tell and what to show, and then making them both appear seamless in the context of the poem.

I like what you are getting at with this and hope you continue to work on it.

The title is appealing.

All the best

Danté

[David]

I think this is ekphrasis, John. And I bet you didn't even know you were being ekphrastic.

I think it works very well.

Just as an interesting exercise, what do you think of it with the modifying adjectives removed?

A 50’s mid day sun
shines through the glass.

The cafeteria is empty, save two souls
that are eating up the minutes.

Flecks of dust are held
in the afternoon rays.

A salt shaker stands, casting shadows
over the back of the pepper mill

XX

He has thought about his opening
gambit again and again,
his cigarette twitches in his hand

Her eyes investigate the skin on
her arm as
her coffee grows cold

They have nothing in common,
save the place and time
and the view across Main Street.

Now, I don't necessarily think that's better, but I do think it makes the whole thing more neutral, more open to the interpretation of the reader. And it is interesting for that reason, no?

But your original version, fully adjectived, I like a lot.

Cheers

David

[backinblack]

Hi John, I really loved all aspects of this write.
Everything was spot on for me.
The tone was set and maintained very well through-out the piece.
Great images.
Looking forward to more of your work.

B.

[Suzanne]

I loved this!!!!! What a treat!
The picture was hidden from me as I scrolled down the page.. I noticed it only at the very end. Your words conveyed the image very well. Nice poem John G.

I loved the "eating up sad minutes" and the shadows of the salt and paper shakers. Very enjoyable write. Thanks.

Suzanne

[Lake]

John,

I think this is a great write. The image is very well captured. Like Suzanne, I like the line "eating up sad minutes", too.

Thanks for the read.

Lake

[dabeldarks]

i like the concept behind this idea, i would like to try this myself, looks like im stealing your ideas here thanks
the poem flowed well and until i seen the image at the end of it i was wondering what you had visualised...

[John G]

Once again, thanks for the feedback.

David, I had no idea I was being ekphrastic, I have no idea what that means!!

Jasper, the title is the original title of the picture so I have merely borrowed it.

I have amended it slightly, with a nod to Davids suggestions, so without firther ado, here is version two:
A 50’s mid day sun
shines through the glass.

The cafeteria is empty,
save two forsaken souls
who are eating up sad minutes.

Small flecks of dust are held,
in the afternoon rays.

A forlorn salt shaker stands,
casting shadows over the back
of the black pepper mill

He has thought about his opening
gambit while
a cigarette twitched in a nervous hand

Her eyes investigate the skin on
her arm as
her coffee grows old

They have nothing in common,
save the place and time
and the view across Main Street.