tangle-twist-tree

[jazziwoz]

000_0029.jpg (804.63 KiB) Viewed 1999 times

Through the tangle twist of trees
Sunlight peeks
Casting its light on bedazzled leaves -
Welcoming the warmth.
Moss and lichen spread along
Outstretched branches
Like a gate that bends and weaves
Forebidding entrance
To that somewhere hidden…..

[nar]

Jazzi,

Great pic, and great write.

My only nit would be:

Outstretched branches

Outstretched doesn't quite work for me for some reason. It ought to, but for some reason it doesn't quite fit with the rest. Grasping? Yearning? Reaching? I dunno, but something a little more human would feel better for me. Something to link better with the bedazzled leaves.

Anyways... The words work well with the image.

The final line leaves me with questions. Which I look back to the image to try to answer. Clever.

Cheers,

- Neil.

[backinblack]

Nice! a lovely little write here, like the photo, it enhances the piece.

Nice one
B.

[swoosh]

hey jazz,

totally agree with nar and binb, nice piece.

for what its worth, ''outstretched'' does not work for me either because if a gate is open the entrance is not forbidding nor hidden,
otherwise I did like the piece and does do justice to the pic,

enjoyed and thanks

S

[Lovely]

Methinks it is wonderful. Loved it a lot. Swoosh, eh?


DJL

[Shell]

i like the mood of this very much but feel there is much that could be compressed/reduced here ...

for example you use the word light twice (light/sunlight) and i'm not sure that's necessary ...

in the pic there are no leaves - so i wonder if you have the focus right? should it maybe linger on the spreading moss? or maybe on the forbidding? or the chiarascuro (sp?) of this moment?

i'm kind of thinking haiku but since i've no idea how/ability to write one of those am just thinking aloud ...

don't take this amiss, jazziwozz .. i enjoyed .. just am not sure this holds up to scrutiny ... *sigh .. maybe i just need to open some wine .. having said that, there is SUCH a mood here and it would be cool to exploit it ... *s

[mesmie]

hello

I feel you have something going on here although your use of capitals at the beginning of each line confused me some!!
Perhaps a little tightening of your words, cutting your words to a minimum for greater impact? That is a great picture and thanks for the read.

mes

[Lovely]

Look, I have but little months. Cancer eats me.

Loads to love you loads for all the loads of love.


DJL

[arunansu]

I feel the piece reads better without the word "outstretched". Lovely pic and a beautiful write, specially the last two lines.
Enjoyed.