Cacophony

[Danté]

Cacophony..mp3

Audio version

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Cacophony

It was never about physical sex.
Although! It easily could have been
a wholly strapless existence.
The pathogenic decay of a half-life.

We’d walk through fields of rape
remark upon sun’s ultraviolet rays
passing through the both of us.
A symptom of our underlying flaw.

We ate if we ate, breathed often
to inflate each other’s empty lungs.
Preserving life through our unity
unsustainable if we disconnected.

Her blood diffused in a rock pool
released by an urchin’s sable spike.
Poison, she slowly turned septic
dissolving air-sacs, inward drowning.

Slipping from my grasp, she ceased.
I saw a trembling of her fingers
tapping on the sand, finding stillness.
The vibrancy in her eyes, growing dull.


.

[arunansu]

Wonder why this has got no reply so far! A brilliant write, Tim. I'm charmed by your recitations these days, and intend to recite myself!

Wonderful coinage :"pathogenic decay of half-life".

It's sad, but enriched with innovative word-play.

"We ate if we ate, breathed often
to inflate each other’s empty lungs."
-Enjoyed.

Great ending : "The vibrancy in her eyes, growing dull".

[Jasper]

Cacophony..mp3

Cacophony

It was never about physical sex.
Although! It easily could have been
a wholly strapless existence.
The pathogenic decay of a half-life.

We’d walk through fields of rape
remark upon sun’s ultraviolet rays
passing through the both of us.
A symptom of our underlying flaw.

We ate if we ate, breathed often
to inflate each other’s empty lungs.
Preserving life through our unity
unsustainable if we disconnected.

Her blood diffused in a rock pool
released by an urchin’s sable spike.
Poison, she slowly turned septic
dissolving air-sacs, inward drowning.

Slipping from my grasp, she ceased.
I saw a trembling of her fingers
tapping on the sand, finding stillness.
The vibrancy in her eyes, growing dull.


.

Dunno, D. It seems to have all the right ingredients. But I think it becomes too tele from V3 onwards... predictable even! As though you've gone a S too far, or missed a lead from/between S3 to S4 - S5. Maybe it just turns too quickly (morbid) for me?

I too question pathogenic decay... just pathogen seems to me to economically encumber both - any or either way.

S2 is the strongest IMO... have you thought of dropping S1 altogether and begin at S3, then S2, S4. S5. You could trim it to mesh too and not loose anything important, I reckon.

Regards
J

[jazziwoz]

Why does it go from "we" to "her" - loses the intimacy - shouldn't it be "you"!

[Suzanne]

Ooo! Tim,
How fantastic! I thought this was very vivid. The images are interesting. I read it quite a few times before listening to the audio whic I thought enhanced the whole piece. I loved it!


In the beginning you painted the relationship between the two so strongly that when her fingers trembled and her eyes dulled, it was quite emotional. And quite uncomforatble "the dissolving air sacs, inward drowning", it makes the reader sit up straighter and take a deep breath. lol.

This piece has your skilled wordsmith style which is always great fun and inspiring to read... and now hear!

Thanks, and again, I say.. I love the places you take us!

Suzanne

[Lovely]

I seem to like the opposites you use here like in other writes of yours--almost zen-like in composition and diction.

It's always interesting and never shallow. I can't imagine you ever writing a boring poem to be honest you
change the most mundane aspect of love (perhaps) into becoming something profound to (still) ourselves amazingly.
It's as if it bends and twists all the way to the ending which again leaves the reader to ponder on the space the poet
is able to deliver with a simpleness of deliverence, a hallmark of something special as it develops in you and wantingly.



DJL

[Shell]

i've no idea how to comment on this! apart from the walking and fingers i wondered if this was even about human life/death at all ... i think it's a trap and this poem's describing something else altogether different .. lol

didn't realise the varied meanings associated with the title but the poem certainly presents a (symbiotic?) relationship that's hard to understand ... it's language is harsh in some ways, "they" are together yet separate, united and co-dependent ... yet somehow not as well ... i mean, who "remarks on sun's ultraviolet rays" by way of gentle chat?? yet it's perfect for this strangely dissonant pair, characterised only by their gender really ... there's a clinical dissociation throughout this that's as engaging as it is disturbing ... though in darker moments many lives are half (full/empty)

the poisoned death/pathogenic decay ... is this S1 and 4 echoing each other somehow? weird (and it might just be my sick mind) that the only penetration occurring here is via another, the urchin, so i started wondering if there was some kind of infidelity involved ... once "delilah" started playing in my head, though, i decided not to go any further on that route lol .. make it stop!!

this is economical and almost scarily deliberate yet devoid/in denial of .. expectation? warmth?

it's an intriguing shocker .. or maybe that's just my truncated feedback ...

[Jasper]

It reads like a serial killer at work, I reckon. And why S1 just doesn't work with the rest of the piece IMO.

We ate if we ate, breathed
to inflate each other’s lung,
Preserved through our unity
unsustainable if disconnected.

She'd walk through fields of rape
remarking upon the ultraviolet rays
passing through us. A symptom
of underlying flaws,

her blood diffused into rock pools,
released by the urchin’s sable spike
slowly turning septic. Dissolving air-
sacs, inwardly drowning, I see

the trembling of her fingers tapping
the sand. Finding stillness,
the vibrancy in her eyes, dulls.


Without it, the physical departure at both the beginning and end - which seems to be occurring here - happens in the readers mind regardless...see shell
Like he's bored with the kill once it occurs and wants to move on sts.

J

[mesmie]

Tim

I saw sea urchins, poison, death...hell lots of images in here..ooo those long spikes..nasty..Yet I am never quite sure! You have the gift of making others (including m'self) ponder..

mes