Spring blues

[Suzanne]

Spring blues

Sapphires roll off your tongue
in subtle blue notes that slip
past your lips as you speak
of the lilac bushes in bloom.

Listening intently, I will gently separate
each tone, and paint you a song of a diamond filled sky.


-----------
Original

Spring blues


Sapphires roll off your
tongue, subtle blue notes slip past
your lips as you speak of the lilac bushes in bloom.

Listening intently, I will gently separate
each tone, and paint you a song of a diamond filled sky.

lilac_blue_ap.jpg (15.31 KiB) Viewed 1893 times

[Lovely]

This is a deep and nice write. Picure that (deep blue) rolling of a tongue-- delightful image to become.

You certainly have an individual style which will develop into something either really great or just good.

Either way, it is better than doing nothing.


DJL

[jazziwoz]

very clever use of language to offer a visual, audio image good use of line lengths and breaks to suggest a 'blues' feel. Read with passion.

[backinblack]

Hi, i agree with the above, a clever write, when I saw the title it threw me a bit.
Winter blues yes, spring blues?
After reading,I get it now.
Enjoyed.

B.

[arunansu]

Loving this, Suzanne. Enjoyed this part:"as you speak of the lilac bushes in bloom".
You end with "diamond filled sky" - could it be possible to end it in a better way?
Nice one.

[Jasper]

Erm, Lilac bushes are green. And its blooms are a pale reddish purple. Everything else seems blue!
Have I missed something here, S? Like something blushing off winter? If so I think Orchids might be better as they come bluish to reddish purple, and carry many spring/sprung connotations *smirk*

J

[nar]

Hiya, Suz.

A little cracker, this one. Very visual. The offering of the song is particularly good.
Not much else to add. Loved it.

- Neil

[Suzanne]

Lovely, BinB, Jazziwoz, Neil,
Thank you everyone for the feedback. Sometimes it is soothing to just hear, good job. Thanks you.
This one is rather self contained and all wrapped up. It was written for a friend as a gift, glad it got good reviews. I will let him know.

Aru, I am very interested in your comment. I wonder if you had something that you'd like at the end. I am stumped how I cold have ended it better. Please share an idea, should yo have one.

Jasper,
You are a tough audience! I have attached blue lilacs for you but! it wasn't about the lilacs as much as about the telling of the blooming Spring. And how literal must we be if metaphors are also included in the mix? You want it both ways sometimes. Orchids, really, they are special flowers for special poems, aren't they? I like to save them for the right arrangements.

Thank you everyone for the comments. It feels very nice.
Warmly,
Suzanne

[Elphin]

This is good Suzanne - everything is there to paint the picture but why go from flowers to a diamond filled sky?

I would play with the structure of s1 to improve the flow and the sonics - how does this sound

Spring blues

Sapphires roll off your tongue
in subtle blue notes that slip
past your lips as you speak
of the lilac bushes in bloom.

Listening intently, I will gently separate
each tone, and paint you a song.

very much enjoyed

elph

[Jasper]

LOL... of course I'm tough to please. Nothing if not critical!
And besides, you're apt enough at this art to tease a bit

Anyway, Spring is the right time for Orchid here, you hear? *smirk*... and thematically!
Well, my blokey bits do at least!
Lilac... Humph!... never heard it called that before rofl



Sapphires, troll the tongue.
Moist blue notes which slip
past the hips, spoken
Orchid/Lialac blossoms.

Just listen and separate,
tease more tone,
Paint your song.

[Lake]

Suzanne,

This is a gentle read, beautiful picture imbued with tenderness. I especially liked the line " I will gently separate each tone".

I think Elphin's restructure is a good suggestion.

Enjoyed.

Lake

[Suzanne]

I am sorry to reply so late. I have appreicated these comments, somehow I had missed them and I just read them now!

Elphin,
Thanks for your sonics suggestion. I have edited , but I want to keep the sky, it is deep blue. lol. thank you for the reply.

Jasper,
heh, You rewrite, that is certainly not the poem I wrote. Sheeesh.

Lake, thank you for you kind comments and insight agreeing with Elphin. Appreicate your input.

Warmly,
Suzanne