Sleepwalking

[JonJonJon]

I was sleepwalking,
dream talking,
silently moving near,
to the heavenly sphere,
of forgotten thoughts and memories,
I thought were lost for an eternity

[David]

Works pretty well, jjj. It's very short!

I like the first four lines best. They move sinuously, I thought. Some of the Great Abstracts start to creep into lines 5 and 6 ... and then you stop. Just like that. It seemed like the introduction to something, but it was actually the whole thing itself. Interesting, and slightly teasing.

Fun though.

Cheers

David

[Elphin]

Interesting post - I'm pretty much with David in terms of his comments

elph

[JonJonJon]

I will post the rest one day....... It's always good to read promising comments. Simpler style seems to be more effective, less is more.

[Summersky]

Hi jonjonjon
I liked the way this sounded. It's interesting. Summersky

[brianedwards]

I was sleepwalking,
dream talking,
silently moving near,
to the heavenly sphere,
of forgotten thoughts and memories,
I thought were lost for an eternity

Hi JJJ

Does "silently" in line 3 contradict "talking" in line 2?
And I don't get how the sphere of forgotten thoughts and memories is "heavenly" . . .

Just my thoughts. Thanks for sharing.

B.

[arunansu]

Great work.
Might be :

I was sleepwalking,
dreaming,
silently moving near,
to the heavenly sphere,
of forgotten muses and memories,
I thought were lost for an eternity

Smiles. Thanks.

[JonJonJon]

Thank you for the feedback...

I am talking in the dream, not in RL, hence silent in RL......

I like the suggested line 'muses and memories'....(arun)....maybe use that in one of the other verses.

Jon

[mesmie]

hiya

would like to see more of this

mes