Death knocked on my door last night,
He didn't stay long.
In fact I didn't realise that he'd visited,
A realisation really.
That someone was moving closer to the edge,
Slipping away.
Away from his wife, away from his baby,
Away from his family.
That's a real shit that is,
But life's like that sometimes.
A child's going to grow up never knowing,
Just how great their Dad was.
So what's the point Mr Death,
What's the great game plan.
Is it some fantastic test of character,
What roads will the child take?
What roads will the wife take?
Will they be weak or will they be strong?
Will you be watching Mr Death?
Watching as the plan unfolds,
With your haunting eyes.
You do have eyes Mr Death don't you?
All seeing eyes - or is it just Next!
Onto the next cancerous soul,
Clinging onto the ledge of life.
Slowly slipping away.
Slowly slipping away.
Slipping Away
I don't have much time now, wabbit - the UEFA Cup Final is about to start (and I'm supporting Shakhtar Donetsk) - but, just to get the ball rolling here (phew, a link worthy of Smashie and Nicie), this is good. It deserves a more detailed response. If no-one else does one, I'll try to get back to it.
Cheers
David
Cheers
David
Definitely, this is good, W. But when you cover a topic which involves death, I feel it should be more intense and somber. When you say something like:
"So what's the point Mr Death,
What's the great game plan"
-what happens is it extracts the seriousness. But of course that's my opinion, and I'm not a master at giving critique. So you can safely ignore the point.
Enjoyed the read.
"So what's the point Mr Death,
What's the great game plan"
-what happens is it extracts the seriousness. But of course that's my opinion, and I'm not a master at giving critique. So you can safely ignore the point.
Enjoyed the read.
O' Wabbit. Death? Can an atom be destroyed? I would rather look on it as transcending
or not to sound to deep by attunement descending also. It depends on us after all and attunements in life. What we attune with is what we become in the end. It's not preaching it's a 'Law in Nature' simple as it may seem. Honest.
For the life of me, I can only say (change) is real. We all have to evolve otherwise
what be the purpose of living and suffering here. Yes we all have our happy times
but surely does it not make the darkness more prominent for us-- Life and Death?
Life is one long march to the grave. Life and death are opposite poles.
Death is always marching forward elsewhere too.
Interesting piece of work. Thought provoking stairway to heaven this.
Would have loved to know more what brought it on. The rift was good
liked the minors mingling with her Majors, death and Life. Also enjoyed
the grand theme you chose as it is no doubt something we all need to
consider sooner or later. Everyone of us without doubt.
Reminds me of the very ordinary spoken Jimmy Page, when he said,
"you've guessed what it is haven't you" roll on stairway, then. He can
make a Strat sing you know.
Yours and thanks,
L x
or not to sound to deep by attunement descending also. It depends on us after all and attunements in life. What we attune with is what we become in the end. It's not preaching it's a 'Law in Nature' simple as it may seem. Honest.
For the life of me, I can only say (change) is real. We all have to evolve otherwise
what be the purpose of living and suffering here. Yes we all have our happy times
but surely does it not make the darkness more prominent for us-- Life and Death?
Life is one long march to the grave. Life and death are opposite poles.
Death is always marching forward elsewhere too.
Interesting piece of work. Thought provoking stairway to heaven this.
Would have loved to know more what brought it on. The rift was good
liked the minors mingling with her Majors, death and Life. Also enjoyed
the grand theme you chose as it is no doubt something we all need to
consider sooner or later. Everyone of us without doubt.
Reminds me of the very ordinary spoken Jimmy Page, when he said,
"you've guessed what it is haven't you" roll on stairway, then. He can
make a Strat sing you know.
Yours and thanks,
L x
Thank you all very much for taking your time to comment.
as loverly asked here's how it came about
It was an outpouring of thoughts/emotions that I wrote on the train. It was there in my head wanting to come out so I wrote it down. Normally when that happens I then spend ages fine tuning things, but I left this exactly as I wrote it on the train ... as raw as it spilled out
So the reasoning behind the thoughts/emotions ...
My friends son lost his battle with cancer and passed away 2 hrs before I wrote slipping away. I wasnt aware that he'd gone when I wrote it, although I knew it wouldnt be long. I found out at 0130 the same evening or rather next day.
He was only 36 and has a 3 month old baby.
as loverly asked here's how it came about
It was an outpouring of thoughts/emotions that I wrote on the train. It was there in my head wanting to come out so I wrote it down. Normally when that happens I then spend ages fine tuning things, but I left this exactly as I wrote it on the train ... as raw as it spilled out
So the reasoning behind the thoughts/emotions ...
My friends son lost his battle with cancer and passed away 2 hrs before I wrote slipping away. I wasnt aware that he'd gone when I wrote it, although I knew it wouldnt be long. I found out at 0130 the same evening or rather next day.
He was only 36 and has a 3 month old baby.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Thanks guys ... David I would have been very interested in your comments but I probably killed it by explaining it.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Even though I've explained it please dont worry about commenting I would be interested in both good and bad
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
I liked it and can relate to the situation.....here are the changes I would make, just my suggestions...
I particularly like the way you stand up to and face death and challenge him, liking the spirit and believing the conversation.
'A realisation really.' not sure this bit works/fits.
'What roads will the child take?'
'What roads will the wife take?'
I would change the wording on one the above lines to make it more interesting...and delete one of the last two lines.
Jon
I particularly like the way you stand up to and face death and challenge him, liking the spirit and believing the conversation.
'A realisation really.' not sure this bit works/fits.
'What roads will the child take?'
'What roads will the wife take?'
I would change the wording on one the above lines to make it more interesting...and delete one of the last two lines.
Jon
Yes you did, W. But then I'll be back later, regardless, as we all bear our own cross in one way or another!wabbit wrote:Thanks guys ... David I would have been very interested in your comments but I probably killed it by explaining it.
J
Alrighty then,W.... To put it sincerely, at best, I find this prose!
Like what's the metaphor behind it? And where's the rhyme (internal or other?) No puns either... I'm bemused or blind... or both?
Max Merit And The Meteors this ain't!
J
Like what's the metaphor behind it? And where's the rhyme (internal or other?) No puns either... I'm bemused or blind... or both?
Max Merit And The Meteors this ain't!
J
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Suzanne
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Wabbit,
I enjoyed this and liked the pacing and rhythm of it. It felt stop and start, pause and spill.
The emotions are heard, I have similar writings tucked here and there on various topics. I would use this as a basis for a poem, tighten it up and focus it to make it a stronger piece. Maybe you will find it rewarding. It is a great place to try.
I am sorry about your friend.
Suzanne
I enjoyed this and liked the pacing and rhythm of it. It felt stop and start, pause and spill.
The emotions are heard, I have similar writings tucked here and there on various topics. I would use this as a basis for a poem, tighten it up and focus it to make it a stronger piece. Maybe you will find it rewarding. It is a great place to try.
I am sorry about your friend.
Suzanne
Well, wab, seeing you asked ...
I like the personification in the opening lines. It's not massively original, but it's effective here.
"A realisation really" is a bit clumsy, especially coming a line after "realised".
It's all too tempting to use a phrase like "Slipping away", which is a cliché of course, but only because it so often seems exactly the right phrase to use. In a poem it therefore looks a little tired and unimaginative, although I like the way you freshen it up by expanding on the "away"s in the succeeding lines.
However, you could definitely lose "That's a real shit that is, / But life's like that sometimes" altogether.
I quite like the powerless taunting of Mr. Death at the end, because that's often exactly what we feel like doing. Do you want to say "cancerous soul", though? That suggests an ailment of the soul, rather than of the body. You may feel the soul is unscathed. Or you may not.
As for the ending, see above re "Slipping away".
A good, worthy tribute to your friend's son, I think. Nothing startling, but extremely honourable.
Cheers
David
I like the personification in the opening lines. It's not massively original, but it's effective here.
"A realisation really" is a bit clumsy, especially coming a line after "realised".
It's all too tempting to use a phrase like "Slipping away", which is a cliché of course, but only because it so often seems exactly the right phrase to use. In a poem it therefore looks a little tired and unimaginative, although I like the way you freshen it up by expanding on the "away"s in the succeeding lines.
However, you could definitely lose "That's a real shit that is, / But life's like that sometimes" altogether.
I quite like the powerless taunting of Mr. Death at the end, because that's often exactly what we feel like doing. Do you want to say "cancerous soul", though? That suggests an ailment of the soul, rather than of the body. You may feel the soul is unscathed. Or you may not.
As for the ending, see above re "Slipping away".
A good, worthy tribute to your friend's son, I think. Nothing startling, but extremely honourable.
Cheers
David
Thanks again for your time and the comments guys
I agree with most of your constructive critisism
Jasper - have to admit that I had to google "Max Merit And The Meteors" because I didnt have a clue what you were on about.
I agree with most of your constructive critisism
Jasper - have to admit that I had to google "Max Merit And The Meteors" because I didnt have a clue what you were on about.
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
Most simply don't listen properly, is all, W! And being patronised pisses me off... so I tell it straight up!
I've read some amazing pieces on the very subject matter you've attempted here, W. I'll search the web-sites I attended years ago and see if I can find a few examples to give you ideas.
Personally, I'd of done a Triolet on it... but they don't like old stuff here, I find!
Tuff Titties!
J
I've read some amazing pieces on the very subject matter you've attempted here, W. I'll search the web-sites I attended years ago and see if I can find a few examples to give you ideas.
Personally, I'd of done a Triolet on it... but they don't like old stuff here, I find!
Tuff Titties!
J
Hi,
I've just recently lost my grandmother to cancer so I know exactly where this poem is coming from. I really like the tone of the poem, towards the end you put death to shame and you really belittle 'him'. Yes I said 'him' as if it were male, I think its perfectly fine in this case to refer to death as male since the poem comes from a viewpoint of someone who has recently witnesses a loss, and death to the writer is an evil being within itself who is the only one to be blamed. I also like the way you imply that death stays with the family after the loss has occurred, as if death ultimately wanted the family to suffer, that to me set a dark tone.
I really like it and it made me feel uncomfortable when reading it, great job.
Thanks,
Stevj016.
I've just recently lost my grandmother to cancer so I know exactly where this poem is coming from. I really like the tone of the poem, towards the end you put death to shame and you really belittle 'him'. Yes I said 'him' as if it were male, I think its perfectly fine in this case to refer to death as male since the poem comes from a viewpoint of someone who has recently witnesses a loss, and death to the writer is an evil being within itself who is the only one to be blamed. I also like the way you imply that death stays with the family after the loss has occurred, as if death ultimately wanted the family to suffer, that to me set a dark tone.
I really like it and it made me feel uncomfortable when reading it, great job.
Thanks,
Stevj016.