I.
tonight
sickle-shaped moon
softly slipped a doggerel--
murmurs drizzled as misty rain
on my weary eyelids
II.
tangled
cannabis smoke
took me to a whirlwind tour
over sand dunes of Sahara
on pterodactyl wings
[ Tried to stick to Pensee form as much as possible : 2-4-7-8-6 ]
*S2L1: "moonlit" changed to "tangled"
The Moon-poet
Last edited by arunansu on Sat May 23, 2009 9:55 am, edited 2 times in total.
Aru
You'll have to blow some of that smoke over here.
I'm not convinced moonlit was your best available option here, it seems a little wasteful
as the scene is already set.
It's a good set of images and economical in all other respects.
Perhaps the first word of the second stanza could be a better modifier of the smoke
that could engage another sense?
nice work
Tim
You'll have to blow some of that smoke over here.
I'm not convinced moonlit was your best available option here, it seems a little wasteful
as the scene is already set.
It's a good set of images and economical in all other respects.
Perhaps the first word of the second stanza could be a better modifier of the smoke
that could engage another sense?
nice work
Tim
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Thanks Tim. I have changed to my original version. Is it a little better?
Thanks for the time.
Thanks for the time.
Hmmm think I prefer moonlit ... but then what do I know.
Good one
Good one
Criticism - The art of judging with knowledge and propriety of the beauties and faults of a literary performance. Ha ..Well I'm definitely gonna fall short there....However rules is rules.
As promised.
Both s1 s2 i couldn't not say i enjoyed that much, you are speaking about the moon or intended--- Silver lady?
I've done loads of puff in the (past) I don't do it now not I say it's wrong at all, I don't want to sound like
a politician-------that's all. Shudders.
This may have been rushed for me as you are good and sincere in what you express.
The theme expands always when touching on these themes not you shouldn't at all keep to your dreams.
The (Inner Zen ) here needs to come forth with answers forget the (silly koans )they are for beginners. A test,
of 'sincerity' of course. I should not have said or revealed (that) really but I just have..........Oooooooops...meeeee.
Your koans are revealing in my book........ just be You mate!
L xxx
Both s1 s2 i couldn't not say i enjoyed that much, you are speaking about the moon or intended--- Silver lady?
I've done loads of puff in the (past) I don't do it now not I say it's wrong at all, I don't want to sound like
a politician-------that's all. Shudders.
This may have been rushed for me as you are good and sincere in what you express.
The theme expands always when touching on these themes not you shouldn't at all keep to your dreams.
The (Inner Zen ) here needs to come forth with answers forget the (silly koans )they are for beginners. A test,
of 'sincerity' of course. I should not have said or revealed (that) really but I just have..........Oooooooops...meeeee.
Your koans are revealing in my book........ just be You mate!
L xxx
Last edited by Lovely on Tue May 26, 2009 3:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Thanks Lovely for penning your thoughts and the time.
Thanks.
Thanks.