Red wine zing,
comforting pillow palette,
eyes close,
neck warms,
rich Shiraz pizazz!
Sumptuous deep red ink,
flows over my tongue,
I want more before I even begin,
excitement swirls, liquid infatuation,
masks salty pizza dry.
The minds edges fog and smooth,
heating, beating heart
thoughts slow, senses quicken,
deep long breaths fan the inner haze.
One more log on the fire,
Lake and river of blood,
Tuliped, voluptuous, elegant curved,
reflecting glass,
become...smore attractive,
time to make it my last.
Red wine
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BenJohnson
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Sounds like a good evening to me, red wine and an open fire. The only problem is that you have now gotten me in trouble, my wife reading over my shoulder suddenly remembered that I didn't buy any wine while shoppping earlier. Who says poetry has no power to shape events?
Jon jon jon or, J. Liked it loads. Nice verbs and they (take-off) for me.
Yes I do adore music but this reminds me of "cause we were lovers" jeff beck, and clapton, seek youtube it's there to hear if you want to friend. Please.
Very sincere in delivering. I would put this piece in D Minor, please. Ignoring A major
flow into E one can still make a blues take here. Hendrix done it often in one scale of
E minor, ignoring the A and B of blues (12 bar) rules. It's just how we say at the end of the day, after all. Don't know about red wine I think acid was the thing then.
"Sumptuous deep red ink, flows over my tongue". Later "thoughts slow,
senses quicken" some good feelings here. S4 typo you had "smore"-- forgive me
easy done.
Nice work and thanks so much.
L x
Yes I do adore music but this reminds me of "cause we were lovers" jeff beck, and clapton, seek youtube it's there to hear if you want to friend. Please.
Very sincere in delivering. I would put this piece in D Minor, please. Ignoring A major
flow into E one can still make a blues take here. Hendrix done it often in one scale of
E minor, ignoring the A and B of blues (12 bar) rules. It's just how we say at the end of the day, after all. Don't know about red wine I think acid was the thing then.
"Sumptuous deep red ink, flows over my tongue". Later "thoughts slow,
senses quicken" some good feelings here. S4 typo you had "smore"-- forgive me
easy done.
Nice work and thanks so much.
L x
Last edited by Lovely on Thu May 21, 2009 8:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Jon
The last stanza seems to need a subtle tweak in what it actually alludes to vs what it actually says.
I can read it as though the poem shows a self control in respect of the wine as metaphor or
I can read reflections off the glass which makes it more sensual if desired.
That last verse is really the poem, the rest just sets it up.
On a scale of one to ten, I would say it needs strengthenning by maybe two, to just allow a little more
of a double allusion to occur if that´s something you might find useful.
But then we get on dodgy ground when the wine makes a reflected drinking partner more attractive,
though in a good way that adds flavour to the pondering.
The control aspect portrays that life situation in a subtle way.
It´s a decent piece, one certainly worth checking to see if every word is the best at your disposal.
good stuff
Danté
The last stanza seems to need a subtle tweak in what it actually alludes to vs what it actually says.
I can read it as though the poem shows a self control in respect of the wine as metaphor or
I can read reflections off the glass which makes it more sensual if desired.
That last verse is really the poem, the rest just sets it up.
On a scale of one to ten, I would say it needs strengthenning by maybe two, to just allow a little more
of a double allusion to occur if that´s something you might find useful.
But then we get on dodgy ground when the wine makes a reflected drinking partner more attractive,
though in a good way that adds flavour to the pondering.
The control aspect portrays that life situation in a subtle way.
It´s a decent piece, one certainly worth checking to see if every word is the best at your disposal.
good stuff
Danté
to anticipate touching what is unseen seems far more interesting than seeing what the hand can not touch
Loved the piece,J (sympathize for Ben!).
"One more log on the fire,
Lake and river of blood"
- Great lines. I liked the mood of this poem. Simply smacking my lips!
Enjoyed.
"One more log on the fire,
Lake and river of blood"
- Great lines. I liked the mood of this poem. Simply smacking my lips!
Enjoyed.
Liking the feedback, thank you for your time and comments!
The typo was an attempt to illustrate a slurring of words as the demon drink takes firmer hold, that's why I make it my last lol....I'm off to youtube to see and hear the song references. The poem sleepwalking was written as a song and isn't a poem, I posted the chorus....
I had a two lips, tuliped dilemna also.....the log on the fire refers to having another drink too but perhaps my double/triple meanings are best left unexplained.....
Jon
The typo was an attempt to illustrate a slurring of words as the demon drink takes firmer hold, that's why I make it my last lol....I'm off to youtube to see and hear the song references. The poem sleepwalking was written as a song and isn't a poem, I posted the chorus....
I had a two lips, tuliped dilemna also.....the log on the fire refers to having another drink too but perhaps my double/triple meanings are best left unexplained.....
Jon
Hi Japser, I like your refreshing honesty across the board, I know this forum is about gentle criticism but anyway........ I'm not convinced anything I've written is really a poem but I'm closer to writing one than I was a month ago. The poem is raw and a ten minute effort to see what would result as I did the same the night before. I did explain the deliberate 'smore' if you read the thread, you will become enlightened, well partly. The sharp zing and soft pillow contrast, that is the experience of the first taste of wine to me, maybe I should buy some better quality wine lol
You definitely have a good point about cab sav and woody undertones but I like the z factor, such a neglected letter. Think of the wine as cab sav shiraz Australian blend.
Jon
The sharp zing and soft pillow contrast, that is the experience of the first taste of wine to me, maybe I should buy some better quality wine lol You definitely have a good point about cab sav and woody undertones but I like the z factor, such a neglected letter. Think of the wine as cab sav shiraz Australian blend.
Jon
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Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
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- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Jonjonjon,
I am a lover of wine and enjoyed this poem as well as the emotional connections to the drinking of it.
For me, it is a heart warming ode.
The palette pillow was distracting because the pillow jumped into my mouth, as Jasper suggested, I reversal of the two words is much better.
Other words in the poems seem to be in a similar switched position, the are good words but in poor order for good flow. Try reading it aloud and see if you can hear it with new ears, maybe you will make some subtle changes.
I don't like the slurring words in the poem but must admit I like the idea of it. It would be difficult to not confuse the reader, easy to to dismiss them as typos.
I am very glad that you can see some growth in your work over the past month and encourage you to keep writing and posting them for us to read.
Suzanne
I am a lover of wine and enjoyed this poem as well as the emotional connections to the drinking of it.
For me, it is a heart warming ode.
The palette pillow was distracting because the pillow jumped into my mouth, as Jasper suggested, I reversal of the two words is much better.
Other words in the poems seem to be in a similar switched position, the are good words but in poor order for good flow. Try reading it aloud and see if you can hear it with new ears, maybe you will make some subtle changes.
I don't like the slurring words in the poem but must admit I like the idea of it. It would be difficult to not confuse the reader, easy to to dismiss them as typos.
I am very glad that you can see some growth in your work over the past month and encourage you to keep writing and posting them for us to read.
Suzanne
Ty for the comments. I've make a few changes given the feedback.
I don't think my posts have necessarily progressed but I do think I'm more likely to be on the right lines now. I don't want to be too immitating and try and make poor copies of what others write, I need to be original as I can be to entertain myself. What gives me heart is that from bad, good can come in the way 'If' was inspired indirectly because of a terrible poem written by the then poet laureate who tried to write another 'Charge of the Light Brigade'.
I don't think my posts have necessarily progressed but I do think I'm more likely to be on the right lines now. I don't want to be too immitating and try and make poor copies of what others write, I need to be original as I can be to entertain myself. What gives me heart is that from bad, good can come in the way 'If' was inspired indirectly because of a terrible poem written by the then poet laureate who tried to write another 'Charge of the Light Brigade'.
Jasper, I wonder what your problems are? You understand so little yet you think you know so much, you don't even read a thread before boldy overstating your point without regard or empathy for the reader. There are no rules, only opinions and you are entitled to yours, you deserve one another. I kindly request that you take your inconsiderable charm, wit and intelligence and apply it elsewhere.
All you need to do is say...see above!
The normal process is to leave the original in tact and place the edit above it btw!
J
Post-a-Poem (Beginners) Rules. You must read before posting.
by cameron on Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:56 am
Welcome to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
This is intended to be a friendly (but serious) forum where inexperienced poets can post their poetry and get feedback from other members.
The normal process is to leave the original in tact and place the edit above it btw!
J
Post-a-Poem (Beginners) Rules. You must read before posting.
by cameron on Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:56 am
Welcome to Post-a-Poem (Beginners)
This is intended to be a friendly (but serious) forum where inexperienced poets can post their poetry and get feedback from other members.
