Under the Ruins

[Lake]

Under the Ruins

Edit 1

Life waits inside us like a spark struck from flint.
Life is a new bud atop an old branch.
Life is ceaseless as waves chase seabirds.
Life is that sleeping, plump infant
trapped in the debris from an 8.0-magnitude
earthquake. He sucks in milk and blood
from his mother’s nipples, breathing
in a narrow space, arched by her flesh and bones.
In the rocking arms of a rescuer, he stares, smiles
around, trying to make out who the stranger is.
Life shines in his curious eyes.

Original

Life waits inside us like a spark struck from flint.
Life is a new bud atop an old branch.
Life is ceaseless as streams running towards the sea.
Life is that sleeping, plump infant
trapped in the debris from an 8.0-magnitude
earthquake. He sucks in milk and blood
from his mother’s nipples, breathing
in a narrow space, arched by her flesh and bones
It is May, a time of May flowers and Mother’s day.
In the rocking arms of a rescuer, he stares, smiles
around, trying to make out who the stranger is.
Life shines on this little smudged face.

[BenJohnson]

Wow, I was not expecting line 5, I think you need to post a warning Very nicely done, the poem is heavily jarred by the shift in line 5, not unlike an earthquake in itself. I like the way a whole tale is told by the end of this, sometimes extremely graphically. Very impressed.

Ben

[JonJonJon]

The poem paints a vivid picture and I like the middle section but I'm not sure as a whole it works for me (and me only). This is mainly due to the repetition at the beginning (personal thing I guess) and the smudged face imagery at the end, seems out of place and out of time, I just think of some Victorian urchin which doesn't seem adequate for such a powerful piece.

[Lake]

Hello Ben,

Thank you very much for the comment. Re the shift in Line 5, there's a debate over this. Some think it is off the track, others think it really works. I can't make up my mind yet.

Regards,
Lake

Hi Jon,

Thank you for the read and comment. Your Victorian urchin is a surprise to me. All in my mind is a baby dug out from debris. I have to say that the original last line is Life sparkles in his curious eyes. But one commented:" curious" while accurate is bland. So I changed it to the smudged face which is accurate, too, I believe.

Cheers,
Lake

[ray miller]

Not sure about the title, In The Ruins maybe?I liked the repetitions at the beginning though line 3 is a bit worn, I think.Line 5 makes the poem so powerful.I'd delete the line "It is May....", I don't think it adds a great deal.

[Lovely]

It rocks lake.

A like line 5 it's meant to shock as earthquakes do. I don't feel it's out of place.

"Life waits inside us like a spark struck from flint." Is an opener here. This could be a reference for greater things to come after disaster or
adversity. A nice tale told in a few lines. A tale of two cities.

Enjoyed.

L

[arunansu]

A splendid write, lake. About the repetition of "Life" in the first four lines, consider:

Life waits inside us like a spark struck from flint.
Like a new bud atop an old branch,
its ceaseless as streams running towards the sea.
Life is that sleeping, plump infant ...

Don't know whether that helps. As for the rest - gem!

[Suzanne]

I loved it! It worked for me. It was an earthquake.
Your writing is very enjoyable.

The only things that didn't work was the title. I like the sound of the title, nice phrase but I do not think it is a good match with the poem. The title adds another image to the poem and thus distracts from the poem, I think. ??
Beneath might be a good word to use in the title? I don't know, just my opinion.

I like the shifting ground.
Suzanne

[R Cox]

Just to back up what others have said, l5 I find very effective, particularly the first three lines being separate entities, then l4 running into l5.
Also as others have also said, I too am unsure about the effect of the title. BenJohnson commented on how this is an entire story told. I like this...could the title reflect this more?

I like the shifting ground.
Suzanne

Title suggestion there?

[JonJonJon]

'Life sparkles in his curious eyes.'

'little smudged face' is too cute. I like the idea of hopeful wide eyes or something.

Jon

[Lake]

Hello Ray,

Thank you for reading and commenting.

The title, so "under" is not the right word here? Other readers also mentioned the title, then it has to be changed.
"It is May..." line was used to indicate the time when the earthquake took place. If it doesn't add much, I can have it deleted.
I'm glad you like the repetition and L5.

Thanks much!

Lake

Got to go, will be back for other comments.

[Lake]

Lovely,

Thanks for the comment and the vote for L5.

A tale of two cities.

I'm from twin cities.

Many thanks,

Lake

[Lake]

Hi arunansu,

Thanks for the input, maybe it is another way to soothe the jarring transition in L5 as some readers commented.

Thanks a lot.

Lake

[Lake]

Hi Suzanne,

Thanks for the suggestion on the title. Let me think it over. Sometimes, it is hard to get a good title.

R Cox,

Nice to meet you.

Are you suggesting "shifting ground" as a title?

Jon ,

Thanks for coming back to it. So you like the bright eyes instead of smudged face?

I'll take all the suggestions into consideration in my revision. Right now, I'll go ahead to remove the May line.

Thanks again everyone!

Lake