Drifting off (Tucked in)

[Suzanne]

Drifting off

My eyes close, hollow beating slows
as sleep comes closer covering
with softly woven images,
smiling photographs entwine
with little roman fonts.

Jumbled words echo off stone walls,
broken sentences from old stories
drift through sunsets and laughter
in places where red wine waits.

Pulling the blanket closer,
I follow the sounds until
I step into your photograph,
you look up and smile.

I know I must be dreaming.


.
tense change from she-he to I-you.
title change
L1 added "My eyes close"
mingled to entwine
removed- in my mind from S2
changed fragmented to broken in S2

[FP7]

Hearing you here, Suzanne. Am writing after just a couple of readings of the poem and I feel like I really understand it. Which is great.

On reading it, I actually thought that some of the images in here remind me of your poetry. Because the images, due to the emotions they carry, are 'bigger' than the words. They seem to lead the poem rather than vice versa. That make sense??

It's like a kind of sad, knowing smile this poem. There are words to accompany the emotions, but they're lost; mixed up and broken in some way. Like the relationship that's referred to. The only thing still intact is the emotional connection, which I think comes across vividly.

I like the poem's flow. Occasionally I come across words that I think I might like changed (e.g little, images, old, places, waits, steps). Part of me thinks they're too simple and that you lose possible opportunities to add more subtlety/depth to the poem - what do you think? Overall, I think you get it right and your voice comes across clearly.

Thanks. Love,

Stephen

[ray miller]

"Mingled" again!One of you must be copying.I'm tempted to start a thread arguing for the removal of "mingled" from all poems.I was pulled up short when red wine was poured in as I'd imagined the story was of a child - maybe it's the title -but it feels like there is a disconnection between the first 2 stanzas and the remainder. Perhaps you should call it Tucked Up.

[Lovely]

This reads like a lovely holiday memory well presented. "Steps into his photograph" is a great line.

The red wine we all like perhaps enhances the imagery of candlelight and romance. "From old stories drift through sunsets and laughter" well
felt this. Then the memory lives and becomes actual when, " he looks up and smiles."

I liked this one and thanks. Pacey and nice.

I felt 'tucked in' very much here.

Lx

[Suzanne]

Stephen,
Your crits are very insightful and appreciated. I will rethink the words. I wrote this quickly just before bad and do see how I could improve it using less common words. I will think about which ones I would like to change. But the simplicity is also appealing to my mind. Thanks.

Ray,
You have a very good point about the title and I can see how you could have thought it was a child falling asleep. I you have also pointed, rightly so, that the link between the two parts could be stronger. I think adding a word or two could make it better. I don't know who else is using mingled but i know I ordered it from the Word Department months ago in a memo, so somebody else should get in trouble. lol. Overall, I admit that I could be more diverse.... I was just having a bit of sleepy fun.

Lovely,
Thanks for your reply. A summer holiday is a wonderful picture. I had a simillar image in my mind when I wrote it, a little quiet lake, tall green grass... setting sun, yep, stepped right into that picture. I am sure you would have, too. thank you for the kind words.

Warmly,
Suzanne

[Lake]

Hi Suzanne,

It has a peaceful, dreamy, cozy feel to it. I like these lines particularly.

she steps into his photograph,
he looks up and smiles.

Lake

[Suzanne]

This is a simple little thing, nice to have the ones that just feel smooth. I hope it is enjoyable to you, the receiver.
I have changed the tenses from she/he to I/ you.
Suzanne

[nar]

Hey, Suz.

Nice work, missus. Very nice.

You finish S1 & S2 with killer lines.

with little roman fonts

&

in places where red wine waits

If you can strengthen the last line of S3, you have (yet another) real winner here.

Cheers,

- Neil.

[Private Harry]

The title sets up the poem and creates a warm, secure feeling before starting to read. Lovely.

Then,the words successfully captures the jumbled thoughts that we have when falling asleep, dozing, dreaming or, perhaps,lost somewhere in them all, unable to distinguish just what's happening.

You choose the words well and capture the confusion between almost sleeping and waking.

I'll read it again just before I go to sleep.

[Sharra]

Hi Suzanne
I enjoyed this. I especially liked jumbled words / echo off stone walls,

I did wonder about whether you need In my mind in there. I don't think its necessary as we know its a dream state. I'd maybe also change fragmented and put broken in there - it seems to resonate better with the stone walls.

I would also be tempted to take out I pull the blanket closer and I know I must be dreaming. just to tighten it, as these dragged me back to reality - but that's just me

Sharra
x

[backinblack]

Hi,I really liked this, it had a dreamy and grief filled feel to it, was she dreaming of someone she'd lost?
I feel sorrow in there for sure, anyway vivid and very much enjoyed.
Thanks for the read.

Binb.

[mesmie]

hi suz

funny that, what Binb says..for I too feel a sense of loss..must be my mind set eh?..good to be reading you again suz..

mes

[Suzanne]

Nar and Harry
I am glad that you enjoyed this, your words are encouraging. Very. I have tried to empower the last S3 last line but have not come up with anything yet, thanks for the idea.

BinB and mesmie,

I did not see the sense of loss as strongly as you, a long for what has never been is closer to the feeling I had when i wrote it. Wishful thinking, I guess... the stuff dreams can be made of.


Sharra,
I am editing with a few of your tips. Thanks for pointing that out and I appreciate your time.

Warmly,
Suzanne