FEAR AND LOVE
I have a callow sense of feeling,
life which seems to me has no meaning,
no purpose of mind to stop me bleeding.
Sharp encrusted jewels of love,
to sharp to touch yet it means so much.
The silence whispers dread and fear;
but still I need to feel you near,
I grab your hand we run away,
the sharpness hurts but you've got to stay.
Understand what I have to say,
I love you more and more each day.
I cannot weep the tears have gone,
They went away like the setting sun.
The love I lost left me feeling,
A callow heart no sense or meaning.
FEAR AND LOVE
Fear and Love
Hi there.
A point of the rhythm side of things. I think that this would flow a lot better if you discarded some of the more superfluous words. The "to me" in S1L2 for instance. Perhaps superfluous is the wrong word, but the omission would still retain the effect and meaning.
Ta.
A point of the rhythm side of things. I think that this would flow a lot better if you discarded some of the more superfluous words. The "to me" in S1L2 for instance. Perhaps superfluous is the wrong word, but the omission would still retain the effect and meaning.
Ta.
To me this is a classic case of a poem destroyed by a sporadic attempt to make it rhyme. Rhyme is very, very difficult to handle well and, unless your are an expert, is best left to comic poetry or lyrical poems. There are one or two places where your rhythm limps badly. Much of the poem has promise. Try rewriting it without rhyme and I think you will find it easier to write what you really want to say. Keep writing. It illuminates your life.
Apart from what my previous critics have said, I believe you could have explored the causes behind the fear. However, better luck with a revision. 