Sun May 03, 2009 3:56 pm
Welcome, Kattie! I hope you enjoy it here. I'm very glad to hear you are not writing about yourself.
This is very good - I like the descriptions of lightness and then the idea of heaviness of lies. If this were mine, I'd miss out the 'But am I really?' line - it's sort of telling the reader what opinion they should have, rather than let the poem speak for itself. I'd also lose the last line - the idea is a bit of a cliche, and I think the poem stands well without it. If you want to keep it, you need 'who is' rather than whose, of course. I think you have to 'aspire to' rather than just aspire, to be correct, too.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
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Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk