I Knew the bombing I was there,
I felt the terror, saw the red blood spilled;
heard the thunder in the flame-lit air
and running feet which stumbled then were stilled.
I knew the bombing everywhere
I watched the laws of love and hate fulfilled,
of the agony wide aware
I suffered, and in a way was killed.
I loved, and loving lived in hell,
I am whole, unharmed and well.
Don't Cry Mama
'wide aware' Im not sure wehther that works rhythmically or otherwise..
What about.,
'.. of agony aroused
I suffered, and was lost.' ?
And,
'I loved, and loving lived in hell,
I am whole, unharmed and well.' I dont think that works? You lived in hell, but now your 'well' ... Ok.
I think this is quite an emotional lament Lovely... Maybe if you explored some more of the emotions behind this, and maybe not to feel too constrained with trying to make everything rhyme...?
What about.,
'.. of agony aroused
I suffered, and was lost.' ?
And,
'I loved, and loving lived in hell,
I am whole, unharmed and well.' I dont think that works? You lived in hell, but now your 'well' ... Ok.
I think this is quite an emotional lament Lovely... Maybe if you explored some more of the emotions behind this, and maybe not to feel too constrained with trying to make everything rhyme...?
Hi there,
I really like your poem. In particular the last line of the first stanza, "and running feet which stumbled then were stilled" is really evocative of the panic and fear before the bombs do the final damage. The title suggests that you are addressing your mother, and perhaps consoling her because despite your experience you are "whole, unharmed and well." Is that right? Maybe there should be some further clarification of this in the poem itself? Also, the last lines don't entirely fit together I don't really feel. Unlike the rest of the poem, the ideas are uncomfortable despite their even rhythm. I think a conjunction is necessary before the last line, well, specifically 'but'.
Good poem though!
I really like your poem. In particular the last line of the first stanza, "and running feet which stumbled then were stilled" is really evocative of the panic and fear before the bombs do the final damage. The title suggests that you are addressing your mother, and perhaps consoling her because despite your experience you are "whole, unharmed and well." Is that right? Maybe there should be some further clarification of this in the poem itself? Also, the last lines don't entirely fit together I don't really feel. Unlike the rest of the poem, the ideas are uncomfortable despite their even rhythm. I think a conjunction is necessary before the last line, well, specifically 'but'.
Good poem though!