Lullaby.

New to poetry? Unsure about the quality of your work? Then why not post here to receive some gentle feedback.
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Petronius
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Sun Jun 21, 2009 10:14 am

Sleep my darling, sleep my love,
and may the icy stars above
shed influence on your sleeping
and bring you joy, not weeping.

Sleep away the careful day
of plans and promise gone astray
of disappointment,envy, care
and the cold assessiing stare.

Sleep my love, sleep my darling,
outside the bitter years are snarling,
but warm inside your fragile sleep,
where time is lost, let others weep.

Sleep my darling, sleep my love,
and may the icy stars above,
waking, grant to you my dear,
a day without a thought of fear.




AN experiment in rhythm which I am not sure comes off. The idea was to have trochaic line and iambic lines in canon but I couldn,t sustain it. I post it, because despite its failings, I like its simplicity.
arunansu
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Sun Jun 21, 2009 2:20 pm

Dear Petronius,
To be honest, I'm not in favour of poems carrying "sweet darlings" and "icy stars above". :wink: Being a pirate by nature, I prefer century -old rum and rusted pistols! :mrgreen: There's a typo in S2L4, darling! :lol:

Liked the gentle feel of it. But as I said, it's too gentle for me!
Take care. :evil:
BenJohnson
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Mon Jun 22, 2009 7:28 am

Although such strong rhyming is generally frowned upon now (I confess to still liking it :)) that mixed with the simplicity is redeemed by the title. As a lullaby this ticks all the boxes, a nice rhythm, strong rhyme, refrain line and simple.

Looks good to me.

Ben
Lovely
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Tue Jun 23, 2009 6:09 pm

Strong movements well nice.


This is deep about the sleep!

Like it loads it's quite honest the politicians are dishonest

like always...... no I loved her really please.

So few humans now speak 'their' hearts-----------loved...

Lx
Lovely
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Wed Jun 24, 2009 3:31 am

I held back on this sorry.

It's very beautiful. S2 l1 "sleep away the careful day" is wonderful.


If only humans could do such what a peaceful world it would be,
not for sloth of course, but a better world for You. True always.

Loads ever

Lxx
dennis32
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Wed Jun 24, 2009 9:51 am

i am very new to writing, but i did enjoy reading it, was very smooth and flowed nice, and its all about learning for me, so its nice to read other pieces here, and see how i can improve my own writing :D
Lovely
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Wed Jun 24, 2009 11:58 am

there is nothing abject here.

Thank you

L
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