Caterpillars

[FP7]

Gossamer threads bind us together, just
as they knitted the armour you don't know
you're wearing. The gauze through which you filter
life and make it as light and unreal, as
old footsteps floating across the moon.

Ether rides roughshod: its tread scoring some,
scarring others. You - many emperors -
adorn layer after invisible layer.
Giant, ugly caterpillars crawling
backwards, refusing to shed their skin.

With whispered threats, tomorrow tucks us in
to bed with a devilish smile. You end
the day as you always do: by sealing a
pact to wear his pyjamas. Whatever,
so long as you don't get hurt. Anything.

But that...

[Suzanne]

Stephen,

I have read this a few times and know that i am squinting that the screen trying to get it into focus..
"what is he saying? what is he saying? want to know...."

You have great ideas and images but who is speaking is lost on me. and I don't understand the emperors... but I found the whole thing very interesting and I want to stare at it until I do, very very interesting.

Suzanne

[manfriday]

I agree with Suzanne, this is a really interesting poem. I've read it a few times now, and will try again tomorrow. The ideas here are pretty complicated. I like the personification of tomorrow, and how the idea of our unreal 'clothes' is carried through the poem. So do these clothes represent our perceptions of the world, and how misleading they can be?

[Lovely]

It kind of didn't flow. Would you try it in a different style? Or even slip it into tanka? I know that's hard more or less though.

Lx

[FP7]

Cheers for the comments, Suzanne, ManF and Lovely.

I think you're right: it didn't flow the best and the 'voice' of the poem was muffled. In fact, I think the mufflage kind of did for the flow. It started as an 'I' poem and then I kind of moved away from that (as I was a bit tired or writing in the first person).

It was basically about people dressing themselves up with misconceptions to help them through life. Padding out the bubble they live in every day.

Didn't really work, all told - but still great to get your comments. Thanks. Love,

Stephen

[dave]

clever dense and impenetrable-reminded me of carlos williams,-dave

[Suzanne]

Stephen,

You have something here that is nice and workable.
It is filled with very interesting images and is worth tweaking up a bit.
Given your insight as to what it is about, it really could be a great idea.. I encourage you to look at it again and try to take bring it into clearer focus.

You are very enjoyable to read, keep at it. you have good ideas.
Suzanne