I feel like plastic a piece of cod in lipstick.
I feel so dead and gone where is my song
they said I was fantastic
they hate me for my plastic
their love for money
isn't it all so funny.
I took them out for dinner
shoved wine down their fucking throats
the best I bought in Paris
along with Higher notes!
I dance now
at my throat
I gave them songs and danced with them
they couldn't write the lines
but now they are so famous
and I so left behind.
Never Mind RA, sun god of the sky,
I will always Love You
until the day I die.
To Ra
-
Suzanne
- Perspicacious Poster
- Posts: 4902
- Joined: Sun Oct 19, 2008 4:46 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Land of the Midnight Sun
Lovely,
This is a departure for you. I bit of anger expressed. I am sure it felt good to get it out.
The idea of feeling like plastic is a good one, it said a lot.
I didn't understand the dancing at your throat part.
and I like the mention of lipstick.
I think that I would leave the end verse out and change the title but understand that it is part of the message you wanted to express so maybe it is not a good idea at all..
Suzanne
This is a departure for you. I bit of anger expressed. I am sure it felt good to get it out.
The idea of feeling like plastic is a good one, it said a lot.
I didn't understand the dancing at your throat part.
and I like the mention of lipstick.
I think that I would leave the end verse out and change the title but understand that it is part of the message you wanted to express so maybe it is not a good idea at all..
Suzanne
Thanks Su, your words are deep.
Love the way you express yourself now it is a growing
depth of wonder............
Nice to see you around su, always love Yoooooooooo.
Loads of love everxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx really
so ever muchxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When I came six months ago i was full of mine own
self and no one cared for me but I now know I guess,
how much you all mean to me.-----------how much i
love you..................
So much love then....( me being silly again). X
Love the way you express yourself now it is a growing
depth of wonder............
Nice to see you around su, always love Yoooooooooo.
Loads of love everxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx really
so ever muchxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
When I came six months ago i was full of mine own
self and no one cared for me but I now know I guess,
how much you all mean to me.-----------how much i
love you..................
So much love then....( me being silly again). X
Last edited by Lovely on Thu Aug 27, 2009 12:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Hello Lovely - this does seem a little angrier than normal for you, though it felt as if this anger had subsided, or at least been derailed, by the end of the poem.
The cod, lipstick beginning was intriguing - and I enjoyed thinking about an image that would never occur to me. It seemed that the lifeless 'plastic/dead' feeling was in someway made worse by having to dress up in some way (the lipstick?). Not sure if I've got that one right...
The second plastic reference was beyond me - it seemed in a way like 'you' and 'them' hated the subject of the poem for the same reason. Like I said, though, the lifelessness of the first stanza was very strong, and the final line 'Isn't it all so funny' seemed to reek with disillusionment/sarcasm.
For me, it was maybe a little more sad than angry...and the dancing at the throat sounded sinister. For that reason, I'm glad the last stanza was there - there was literally some light at the end of the tunnel and it seemed to be saying 'Good riddance'. Which linked me back to the title - which I guess was also clever word-play on Cilla Black's famous farewell.
One other thing: although they may have referred to very different ideas, I would have tried to avoid using words twice (e.g plastic and throats).
Enjoyed reading it - thank you.
And thanks for your recent comments on my stuff by the way, really liked them. Cheers.
Stephen
The cod, lipstick beginning was intriguing - and I enjoyed thinking about an image that would never occur to me. It seemed that the lifeless 'plastic/dead' feeling was in someway made worse by having to dress up in some way (the lipstick?). Not sure if I've got that one right...
The second plastic reference was beyond me - it seemed in a way like 'you' and 'them' hated the subject of the poem for the same reason. Like I said, though, the lifelessness of the first stanza was very strong, and the final line 'Isn't it all so funny' seemed to reek with disillusionment/sarcasm.
For me, it was maybe a little more sad than angry...and the dancing at the throat sounded sinister. For that reason, I'm glad the last stanza was there - there was literally some light at the end of the tunnel and it seemed to be saying 'Good riddance'. Which linked me back to the title - which I guess was also clever word-play on Cilla Black's famous farewell.
One other thing: although they may have referred to very different ideas, I would have tried to avoid using words twice (e.g plastic and throats).
Enjoyed reading it - thank you.
And thanks for your recent comments on my stuff by the way, really liked them. Cheers.
Stephen
-
Ros
- Moderator
- Posts: 7963
- Joined: Sun Dec 07, 2008 4:53 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: this hill-shadowed city/of razors and knives.
- Contact:
This is about the song-writers you've fallen out with? Nice sense of anger and sadness.
I dance now
at my throat
is an interesting and rather worrying phrase.
Poetically, I'd leave off the part about Ra - it doesn't really seem to fit. Perhaps end with something about dancing alone without them now, not needing them any more as you can say what you want with only words - you don't need their music.
Ros
I dance now
at my throat
is an interesting and rather worrying phrase.
Poetically, I'd leave off the part about Ra - it doesn't really seem to fit. Perhaps end with something about dancing alone without them now, not needing them any more as you can say what you want with only words - you don't need their music.
Ros
Rosencrantz: What are you playing at? Guildenstern: Words. Words. They're all we have to go on.
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
___________________________
Antiphon - www.antiphon.org.uk
Hi Lovely. Well, this is Raaaaa angry. Good to get it out of the system I s'pose and get back to your enchanted writings. xx
Michae
Michae
"Do not feel lonely, the entire universe is inside you" - Rumi
To throw a little spanner of reality into the mutual admiration society, the poem needs a comma after "plastic" and also after gone and the rhyme is somewhat erratic. Apart from that you managed to convey the emotion very well. I was interested in your attachment to RA or RE. My daughter, who has an exaggerated idea of my intellectual abilities ,bought me a very expensive Ancient Egyptian Grammar. I was duty bound to have a go BUT The vowels we put in are totally guesswork. No vowels in written Egyptia n. There are three versions: hierogylphs, hieratic and demotic. The writing can be left to right or right to left etc. I think I am to old but it may amuse you to realise that nefertiti could be nafertoto, nifaertata etc.ad inf. Hope it amuses you that Ra can be Ro or Ri or Re ( often wriiten as such) Sorry about the typing. Liked the poem.
Last edited by Petronius on Tue Jul 14, 2009 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
To ra loo ra loo ral, To ra loo ra li,
To ra loo ra loo ral, That's an Irish lullaby
To ra loo ra loo ral, That's an Irish lullaby
Jehovah's the same, isn't He?Petronius wrote:My daughter, who has an exaggerated idea of my intellectual abilities ,bought me a very expensive Ancient Egyptian Grammar. I was duty bound to have a go BUT The vowels we put in are totally guesswork. No vowels in written Egyptia n. There are three versions: hieroglphs, hieratic and demotic. The writing can be left to right or right to left etc. I think I am to old but it may amuse you to realise that nefertiti could be nafertoto, nifaertata etc.ad inf. Hope it amuses you that Ra can be Ro or Ri or Re ( often wriiten as such) Sorry about the typing. Liked the poem.
Yes. There is some guidance as to vowels. The ritual language of the coptic church is derived from ancient egyptian. I hope subjects like this are admissible. I tend to get carried away by my own interests and think people share them and they often don't. Jahweh.
-
Susan-Morris3
- Persistent Poster
- Posts: 145
- Joined: Sun Aug 16, 2009 6:59 pm
- antispam: no
- Location: Lancashire England
Errrr yes liked the message and enjoyed your poem very much. Hope you don't really feel such anger inside it dose no good at all, Songs written for others to take and use as there own leaving you behind without a backward glance, but so what, is what I say your day will come when there's is done. The only thing I didn't like was the f... word , surely you could get your point across without it , my opinion only , your a poet and poets know more words than most ?
Liked this one Lovely. I suppose 'they' can be old forgotten melodic tunes / memory. That's my own way of interpreting this poem. I like the reference to Ra ( the Sun-God).
I took them out for dinner
shoved wine down their fucking throats
the best I bought in Paris
along with Higher notes!
- Loved this part the most.
Enjoyed. Thanks.
I took them out for dinner
shoved wine down their fucking throats
the best I bought in Paris
along with Higher notes!
- Loved this part the most.
Enjoyed. Thanks.