Northern Frights

[Susan-Morris3]

Ice rains down these valleys,
shadows crawl across the peaks,
Jurassic birds in clumsy flight,
ghostly panthers creep.
Mist descends eerie hills
above were dragons sleep,
Bogart stalk fairy dells,
stealing dreams from wishing wells.


In limestone quarries it's been known,
to see a strange and evil gnome.
deep within forgotten mine
troops of trolls march in a line.
Glowing orbs in dead of night
sparkling vales of mystic lights,
optical reflections, prism swirled,
whispers of another world.


Hear that ghostly church bell chime,
along this lonely mill stone spine.
Is this the place where thoughts are seen,
and howling magic creatures scream.
haunted village bolt your doors
there are aliens loose upon the moors.
myths, legends, or just tall tales,
Yet; dare you walk the pennine trail.


Spotted a small spelling mistake, I had written Bold, instead of Bolt, hope no one minds the edit ?

[Lovely]

"Along this lonely mill stone spine"............wow!

i love you lots now

Susan she is fine, my humbled me liked her so much.....nice.

lxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Susan-Morris3]

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww Lovely I think you are lovely and very kind to my poetry thanks x You always make me smile.

[Suzanne]

Hello Susan Morris3,

This is quite an autumn mood, ready for Halloween and crunching leaves under foot.

The second section stood out stronger than the other two. I also liked the mill stone spine.
Check the syllable counts for a better flow. The images are good and spooky.

I can picture this being said around a campfire or in a dark room with a flash light under your chin! Great fun.
Suzanne

[Susan-Morris3]

Thanks for reading and for your positive comments. I will have to do alot of study to get up to a decent standard, but glad you enjoyed the read, Will try and find a better insight into poetry, somehow.

[stuartryder]

susan i am on mobile so cant see formatting. some great lines n images. i have a suggestion i will post later..

stu

[Susan-Morris3]

Thank you for taking time to comment. Will look forward to your suggestion x

[nar]

Hey, SM3.

I've read a few of your pieces, and I like them. You defo know what you want to say

If I had to offer any advice (and I'm a noob, so salt needed), I'd suggest you try to distil your ideas, and perhaps try a completely FREE piece (no rhyme nor meter).

Having said that, you use your words well:

"Hear that ghostly church bell chime,
along this lonely mill stone spine"

That does certainly invoke the senses.

Looking f/wd to more.

Thanks for this (and your others).

- Neil

[Susan-Morris3]

Thanks Neil, i did have a bit of a go with one posted poem not rhyming . Death of steam. would like your opinion on that if you ever get the time. Thanks for advice will try again.

[Arian]

Hi Susan. Perhaps this is better suited to the experienced forum – it shows few signs of being authored by a beginner. I tripped over lines 5-8, which seem to break a bit awkwardly from the strong meter of the rest of the poem, but otherwise its got a powerful rhythm and some very nice lines (I agree – this...spine, great!).
Couple of typos (L6 – where?, missing capitals – Deep, Pennine) but otherwise, an enjoyable read. Thanks.

[stuartryder]

Susan

As one who got lost at night in the Lakes, I found this eerily reminiscent of the self-spooking I did to help me imagine my way out of trouble.

My suggestion was - if you're sticking to rhyme schemes but not so much metre, perhaps you could embed the rhymes within the lines so they don't stick out so self-consciously? I've given an example below but I always found it a useful exercise when trying to write rhyme in an original way. It can also help you to focus on the music of a line rather than a rhyme. You can try your own

Ice rains
down these valleys,
shadows crawl
across the peaks,
Jurassic birds in clumsy
flight, ghostly panthers
creep. Mist descends
eerie hills above were dragons sleep,
Bogart stalk fairy dells, stealing
dreams from wishing wells.

Ice rains down these valleys,
shadows crawl across the peaks,
Jurassic birds in clumsy flight,
ghostly panthers creep.
Mist descends eerie hills
above were dragons sleep,
Bogart stalk fairy dells,
stealing dreams from wishing wells.


In limestone quarries it's been known,
to see a strange and evil gnome.
deep within forgotten mine
troops of trolls march in a line.
Glowing orbs in dead of night
sparkling vales of mystic lights,
optical reflections, prism swirled,
whispers of another world.


Hear that ghostly church bell chime,
along this lonely mill stone spine.
Is this the place where thoughts are seen,
and howling magic creatures scream.
haunted village bolt your doors
there are aliens loose upon the moors.
myths, legends, or just tall tales,
Yet; dare you walk the pennine trail.


Spotted a small spelling mistake, I had written Bold, instead of Bolt, hope no one minds the edit ?

[Susan-Morris3]

Whaw, that makes a great deal of difference. Thank you very much for that. A brilliant idea, very much appreciate your help Stuart,x

[Susan-Morris3]

Ice rains,
down these valleys
shadows crawl across the peaks,
Jurassic birds in clumsy flight, ghostly
panthers creep. Mist descends eerie hills, above
were dragons sleep. Bogart stalks fairy dells, stealing
dreams from wishing wells



In limestone,
quarries its been known,
to see a strange and evil gnome, deep
within forgotten mine, troupes of trolls march in a line.
Glowing orbs in dead of night sparkling vales of mystic lights,
reflections shimmer prism swirled, whispers
of another world.



Hear that,
ghostly church bell chime,
along this lonely mill stone spine, is this,
the place where thoughts are seen and howling
magic creatures scream. Haunted village bolt your doors,
there are aliens loose upon the moors. Myths, legends, or just
tall tales. Yet dare you walk the. Pennine trail.



Have reworked a little and change a few of the words wonder if i am any closer to what you mean? or completely going in the wrong direction and sending myself further away? Help needed! x

[stuartryder]

I like this much better in this layout Susan. It echoes your profile photo in the way it is shaped like 3 mountains dipping down to the lake, and their shallow reflections seems to match the final two lines of each verse. A visual treat, that.

You see how this concentrates on the images and the phrasing, instead of dragging us to rhyme after rhyme. And yet all your rhymes and rhythms are still there so you haven't compromised that side of the writing.

There are a couple of grammatical points and I have some suggestions... do you want me to run through them? Ok; see below.

Cheers

Stuart

Ice rains, {delete this comma}
down these valleys {add comma}
shadows crawl across the peaks,
Jurassic birds in clumsy flight, {replace , with a .} Ghostly
panthers creep. Mist descends eerie hills, above
w{h}ere dragons sleep. Bogart stalks fairy dells, stealing {perhaps change to "Boggart" to avoid the comic image of Humphrey Bogart traipsing around in the fog}
dreams from wishing wells



In limestone, {delete this comma}
quarries its been known, {and this one}
to see a strange and evil gnome, deep
within {a} forgotten mine, troupes of trolls march in a line.
Glowing orbs in dead of night sparkling vales of mystic light{s},
reflections shimmer{,} prism swirled{.} Whispers
of another world.



Hear that, {delete this comma}
ghostly church bell chime, {and this one!!}
along this lonely mill stone spine{.} Is this, {and this one, too}
the place where thoughts are seen{,} and howling{,}
magic creatures scream{?} Haunted village bolt your doors{:}
there are aliens loose upon the moors{!} Myths{. Legends. Just
tall tales... Yet dare you walk the Pennine trail?}



Have reworked a little and change a few of the words wonder if i am any closer to what you mean? or completely going in the wrong direction and sending myself further away? Help needed! x

[Susan-Morris3]

Stuart, thank you very much for your help I do indeed see what you mean, much much better.
But poor Humphrey Bogart, tromping though the fog had me in stitches that, couldn't stop thinking about him, Hahahaha still laughing now, can just picture stumbling across him, with his cockeyed trilby and his gabardine mac with the collar turned up, looming out of the mist .
Yes must change that to Boggart. x